Tough

So, they really did leave. This morning was not easy. Well, the doughnut eating part was easy, and the laughing, that was easy too. But the hugging, crying, end-of-denial reality in the cold, pre-dawn parking lot of Lane's Bakery, that was hard.

This next part might be weird, so you are warned.

When things that I either really enjoyed or really looked forward to end, I always get this feeling of emptiness, almost a mild despair. It's the same type of feeling I get when someone dies. And everything I do is reflected back upon 'before or after' such and such. Like when I got back from my sisters, I didn't want to take a shower or do my laundry really, because then I am taking one more step away from being there. I can say, 'the conditioner that is in my hair came from my sister's house.' 'The last food I ate was from Georgia'. And then it seems like I am still kind of there, the 'good time' is still going on. Well, that's how I am feeling right now with the cadwells being gone. ok, I am going to level with you. I am not worried about not being friends with Brian and Patsy. I think we will stay friends. I am most sad about Maddy though. She is a sweety, and I will miss her.. .or do miss her already. And I am sad that she will forget about me and not know who I am, etc. AH! I started to do laundry today and as I was pulling jeans out of the hamper, I was thinking...'I probably played with Maddy wearing these jeans last'. Washing them felt like washing the last playtime with her out of my life. God, I am a putz. And a GIANT sentimentalist. What can I say.

Don't worry, they didn't die.

But they still deserve a memorial. Bye Brian, Patsy and Maddy.

A true horoscope

The horoscope on my google homepage was very true today:

There may be too much happening now within your own mind. Additionally, there may be very real issues that you want to process in the outer world. As your day unfolds, you could discover that you have more happening than you can effectively handle. Remember, the next few days can be super busy, so conserve your energy and make it last.

Taking the advice of a dear friend, I think I am going to try to shut my mind off. I might have a beer first.

Adulthood? No!

So, I might actually be an adult. Two things in the last 24 hours have made me think I might be ready for 'the real world'.

1. I pulled out my own sliver. I have never done this before, so it seems like a milestone. But, I did shriek 'ew ew ew ew ew!' while doing it, so it only half counts

2. I turned down my sister's invitation to EUROPE because I don't have the money or time. What a lame sounding excuse. Perfect adulthood proving example. But it is true. The cost of that trip is THREE TIMES what I have in my savings at present.

Starting to face it,
Jen

Ten Days

It is 10 days until Brian and Patsy move away from me forever! :( Well, at least until I have the courage and financial ability to join them. What did we do on day 10 0f the countdown? Cleared the basement. I will for sure be sore tomorrow from this effort. We also faced reality for about 10 minutes, ate mexican food and watched Patsy, age 11 on stage as a tap dancing caterpillar. It was a good day.

I heart.

I heart my friends and getting gifts, and giving gifts. Also, I am drunk. and going to bed. he he.

Christmas is coming!

Here is my tree. It looks small and harmless, but watch out. It could kick your butt if it wanted to. And yes, that sweatshirt that I am wearing was purchased in 1998.

For added kick, here is a picture of Maddy loving on her favorite aunt!

Holy Crap it's December!

Wow. We got a ton of snow today! A lot. And then some ice and rain. It was a nice, wintery day. I picked mom up in Sauk City and we went to Target, Kohl's, Grocery shopping and walked around on Monroe street. Then we made a table runner, cooked a roast for most of the house, and I put up the Christmas tree! Pictures to come later.

I better go, Mom wants to sleep.

I did it! sort of... the loser edition

I only missed one day! More than some can say I guess. More about this later. and that. and the other thing.

Poor Favre.

So the packers lost... now that that's over with...

Hardly anyone is coming to my party! Sad news. I guess I will have to scale it down and have fun with the people I see a lot. That can't be bad, I must see them a lot because I like them, right?

Anyway... (I like ellipses) I think I want go to sleep and get up early tomorrow to go running. Interesting what football viewing does to me. We'll see if I still feel like it at 7:30 tomorrow morning.

Loves to you all!

"Awakest"

I am always more awake when I get home than when I was out doing something. I really like being home...and I am never here. Oh well.

I worked today and then went to eat with Kelsey for my belated birthday. She took me to The Melting Pot. It was delicious. But when we got there at 6:15, they told us we could eat at 9... So we went to the mall, shopping. I got one of my gifts purchased, and just got another one done online. Let it all begin, baby. Bring it on.

Okey. I am tired now. Nice chatting with ya'll.

Today, one day of many.

I had to work by myself today because my coworker had to go to a doctors appointment. She is a double lung recipient and there is something wrong with her breathing.... definitely a reason to miss work. So almost 8 hours by myself in a little room again, being bored, cold and tempted by chocolate. That has to be some level of hell. It wasn't that bad actually, I wasted at least 2 hours reading the newspaper (I read the WHOLE thing) and filling out a job application. Bad employee, I know. But I got everything done....so, maybe just a resourceful employee. Then I went to hoofers and signed up for DELTA LODGE! Can't wait to work my butt off skiing! After that, I ran with patsy, in the freezing cold. But....(drumroll please) we ran for 27 minutes...with only a two min walking break!!! That means that I ran for 14 minutes straight. And yes, that would be my longest time running w/o stopping EVER. Thankyouverymuch. That's all, besides WI being crushed by Duke. Sad sad. Goodnight!

I will make it to bed before midnight.

Today was a day, just like any other. I had to work 8 hours. Then I made dinner for the Cadwells (not usual, but not so important either). Played with the greatest puppy, and came home to do dishes and laundry, cause my life is glamorous (and yes, I did just check the spelling of that last word by reciting a song in my head). My mom might be coming down on Sat to go to the farmer's market and teach me a thing or two about sewing a table runner. Anything else new..... lets see.... nope.

Goodnight all!

24

Why do I wait until I am too tired?

I know I am cheating myself when I wait so long before I post. I am so tired, I don't feel like thinking about what I want or need to write on here.

Today was fun, though. Had miraculous correct change occurances, got more shopping done and put some crafting skillz to the test. Ate DELICIOUS pumpkin cheesecake and watched classic Christmas shows. Alls well that ends well.

Late!

So tired, and ten minutes late. Sucky. Worked, spent money, watched nearly 4 hours of the office, season 3. Now will sleep, alone in my house.

Simple

An individual life is simple to an unbiased observer. The choices, views, values and relationships seem straightforward and logical. But if that observer becomes participant, he can see that everything is much more complicated. A life is influenced by a thousand sources, some of which he himself cannot name.

People change things. A ring is some shiny rock in a circle, until it is given to someone we love. People make some things sacred. Memories are shared through objects or rituals and these otherwise innocuous moments become much more special. A choice is made with reason alone until it affects those people whom we strive to make happy.

I am not sure where I am going with this, but I am feeling it today and thought I should share it. This next month I am going to lose a number of people from my daily life, and the next year will draw even more away. I am trying not to mourn those losses ahead of time, but it is hard for me not to.

Trying to be happy until the time comes,
Jen

Turkey Turkey

I am tired, and full, and tired. We ate turkey at my aunt's house today. And then I took a nap and we played cards and Blokus. I believe it frustrated the crap out of my family. yay! lol. sorry these have sucked these last few days. This one will suck too, I am tired. Happy Thanksgiving!

I will do a 'what I am thankful for' post soon, probably. No promises. :)

At home!

I am so tired, just want to sleep. Today was a pretty dumb day. Work 8 hours, drive in snow for 2. Then I helped make pecan pie with my mom (props to Sheri-her recipe) and watched a guy win $300,000 on Deal or no Deal. hmmm.

So glad that I don't have to work for two days I could pee,
Jen

Tomorrow! Home!

Tomorrow I get to go home (said in a sing song voice)! Diddilee do. I will help my mom bake pies and cook squash (if I ever buy some. hmmmm) and maybe knit and all that great stuff that doesn't involve tolerating desperate chocoholics in need of a fix.

I only have 6 min to finish this.

Today my boss FORGOT that she scheduled HERSELF to work in Madison today with me. So I worked by myself for the first 4 hours, when we were busy enough that I had some trouble finding time to use the facilities in the basement. That is just not cool. Doesn't everyone have a right to pee? Even if you do. need chocolate. NOW. After tomorrow, the store can bite me for two days. Suckas.

Rainy days and Mondays

They don't always get me down. Today was a fine day. Worked 8 hours, had AWESOME pumpkin food at a sustainability dinner and then came home. And decided that I needed a printer. So Jim and I went to Best Buy and I got one for myself for $50. And now I have 10 pages printed that I need for tomorrow. Yee haw. AND I have to fill out and application for a new JOB... which just recently came out of my printer! Also started work on the new Hoofer budget. All in all, a good day. Then there was Tuesday.

A perfect Sunday

I had a great day. Woke up late. Went to church by myself (something I said I have been working up the courage to do since I graduated high school). Ate lunch with Luke at Panara and made pumpkin cookies. Then.... I went to Cirque du Soleil's Saltimbanco at the Alliant Energy Center. I love love loved it. I have never seen anything like it, I don't think. The music, the colors, the feats. It was the quickest 2 hours of my life, I believe, except for the 15 minutes where I REALLY had to pee, but didn't want to miss the drummers/swinging things people. I don't know how to explain it, but it was awesome. The vocalist had a BEAUTIFUL voice. Just awesome.

For those of you who know me well, I am pretty hard to impress. But this really did it. I recommend this to anyone and everyone who's not in diapers. (although those may have made it easier for me to watch the drummers, lol)

Rockin game

Tonight I got to try out my new game with Brian and Patsy. And ya know what? Blokus rocks! I sucked big time at it (I lost by like 100 points, no joke) but I think I might be addicted. I might even take it to thanksgiving. There is always this lull after the meal, and there are way too many people to play cards.

Aww. I just realized that Sheri wouldn't be at thanksgiving. I mean, that's not news. But I guess I just tried to picture it, and I wish she would be there, cause I know she would love this game, and probably really enjoy whipping my butt at it too. Sigh. Oh well.

I don't have to work tomorrow! Bring it on!

Christmas, here I come

As much as I would like to deny it, christmas is coming again this year. I can tell. It's getting cold, I am renewing my membership in the 'crazy for shiny things' club, I am planning a party, etc. I am so excited to decorate and bake and.... decorate. Hopefully I can make the first floor of my house look pretty. I know, it might be challenging, but I will try. It's my first party, ya'll.

Ugh, all I can think about is the conversation that I had with one of my roommates tonight and I am upset at the way that I acted, so I might just end this and go to bed. I will end this with a picture of my favorite (living) dog in the world:

Half day fun

I only worked four hours today, and it was awesome. I came home, made a snack and started making invitations for my Christmas party! So excited. I then went to the dog park with Patsy and then I cleaned the kitchen for like an hour, then my room. I was lucky that I could stop. Once I get in that mood, I'm like a round pencil on a crooked desk.

I hung out with Nikita today too. We watched Grey's Anatomy and just hung out. It was really nice. I miss her, she's too busy with all that 'school' stuff. Whatever.

A new job might be in the future. Stay tuned.

Cheeto makes this difficult

So, this might not be long, because there is an orange cat who decided he couldn't be happier than on my lap at this moment, so I am bent over sideways typing uncomfortably. I don't want to disturb master cheeto. I think maybe the cats have been fighting.

And there he goes. As quietly has he came. Tonight I realized (for the fiftieth time, at least) that I am going to be very very sad to be dogless come December. I know what you are thinking, I am technically dogless now, but Maddy is my pseudo puppy. I mean, I bought her a sweater today and have been kind of stressing out about what to get her for Christmas. Come on. I know I need a dog, but can I have one? Do I deserve one? Probably no. I will have to wait. A dog will be my reward when I get my anchor set somewhere. I don't even know if I have said proverbial anchor.

I talked to my sister today, for like 5 min. It's amazing how that turned my day around. Nothing special was said, but I did learn that a 'pallet' means a bed of blankets on the floor, at least in Georgia. And tomorrow I only work until 2! How exciting....I have many things to do to keep me busy. I might just hang out here, or end up in a coffee shop. Haven't done that in a while.

New Goal, I guess

Last night I realized that my life has no meaning if I am not working towards something bigger and better than what I have or where I am right now. At the moment, I am stuck in a job that I really don't enjoy at all anymore, but I promised to stay until at least after Christmas. I am stuck in a lease until next August (read: 10 more months) and I am not in school. So I need a new motivation, a new goal. Something that I can control and work towards and will challenge me. I decided to really commit to working out both at Curves and running with Patsy. I also really want to eat better. I guess my real hope is to lose weight as a result of those two desires, but I don't want that to be my only focus, because it's a lot harder when that's all you think about. I went to Curves yesterday and I ran today. Tomorrow I am scheduled for Curves. So far so good.

Christmas is coming up too, and I am making a lot of the gifts I am giving, so I guess that should be a goal too-getting them done. I suppose I should start looking for a new job. I didn't realize it until yesterday, but I was really hoping that Georgia would provide an out, job wise. I need to find some confidence somewhere, enough to get me to apply to jobs and believe that I have skills to do something. Ugh. And then there's the whole 'boy' thing. That will probably show up last on my list, as it has forever. I need to prove to myself that I can accomplish the other things first before I will believe I am able to be liked or loved by someone I don't know yet. One thing at a time I guess.

I know, I know

I missed a day. But I was quite busy and at a house without wireless internet. Yesterday I went to the Packers/Vikings game. The packers beat the hell out of the vikings so it was a good day. This whole weekend was quite trying though. I need to get back in the swing of things and settle down. I also need to figure out what the hell I am going to DO with my life. This is a big task though...where to live, what to do, how to make money, blah blah blah.

I hate talking to people about it though, because everyone expects me to have an answer, and I just don't. Also, today my dad said something about how he would have a baby right now if he could, even though it wouldn't be fair for the kid cause he is old. And then the said that he would just wait for me to have one. UGH! Back off, please. I need to work off some of this anger I think. Hopefully Kelsey and I will go work out when she is done with her internship this afternoon.

Forgetfulness

So I might forget some things sometimes. Or a lot of things, often. It's true. I believe forgetting also includes losing things, so, in fact, I have been doubly forgetful. Take yesterday, for example. I forgot to look for my driver's license before I left GA, and I had actually lost it. Today I almost forgot the packer tickets for tomorrow. It's kind of never ending. But I guess I haven't forgotten to blog a day yet in November, and that's saying something, right?

Tomorrow is the Packer game. I must say that I am pretty excited about it! I haven't ever seen a game that close up. I'll probably be able to smell them... ew. Dad and I are spending the night at my Aunt Karen's tonight in Little Chute, WI. We might stay tomorrow night as well, but I am kind of not wanting to right now. Just want to get back into the swing of things in Madison. I guess I should put that off as long as possible, cause it is bound to happen, sooner or later. We just had a HUGE steak dinner with rice, vegitables and bread. Now I am stuffed and tired. But I guess we have to go play with the grandchildren (not mine!) first, before bed. But man, its only 7pm. How old am I anyway?!

Until tomorrow!

P.S. If I forget to change my greeting on my cell phone, forgive me. You know I am not actually in Georgia. :)

The Last Day, and traveling home

Today wasn't the best day I ever spent in Georgia, at least not in the morning. I don't want to go into it, but it was kind of scary, and quite sad. The whole ordeal gave me the opportunity to look within myself, reason and forgive... it ended well. I know none of this makes sense, but.... I guess that sucks for you, cause this is my blog and I will write what I want! After a doctor's visit, Sheri and I went shopping and I ended up with a christmas present from my mom! We bought a Wii for me! We also ate lunch and shopped some more. I also lost my driver's license somewhere, so it was a TREAT getting through security with three non government issued, expired photo IDs.

I didn't get a 'formal offer' for a job from my sister, so I don't know if 1. I didn't do a very good job while I worked for her this week, 2. if she isn't hiring or doesn't need help or 3. If I am supposed to assume that I could have the job and etc w/o her explicitly telling me. I dunno. That's why the direct question would have helped. I question everything to death.

On the way home, I realized that when I am traveling alone, it's like a limbo. I am alone, with all of these strangers, each of us going different ways, many of us alone. Nobody is here or there, home or away. I am almost always sad when I am traveling alone, at least when I am traveling BACK, because of this feeling of... impermanence, I think. I also realize, the only time I EVER drink ginger ale is on air planes. But it is tasty.

Last night

Tonight is my last night away from the good ol' Wisconsin. I am quite sad, as usual. I understand the part of the job that I learned, and really get along with the other people who work there. Thinks seem more natural between me and my sister than they have ever been. Russ is still his cute butted awesome self, and I feel like I can understand the rest of the kids. Sure, there is a ton of drama here, and a lot of arguing, but I still like it. Living is a little more challenging than it is at home.

Tomorrow, I am getting up early again! To take the kids to school, and then go shopping with Sheri. I sometimes wish that I could have grown up knowing her more, because, so far, knowing her better has been pretty awesome.

Bonding

Today, I worked all day again. It still wasn't bad at all, I don't think I would mind that job, especially if I eventually got to assist. It would just be something different and challenging everyday. I guess I am going back tomorrow too, so I am not losing as much time and money at work. Plus, what else would I be doing? Sitting at home by myself, doing nothing? At least I won't be as poor now, and I get to 'spend time' with my sister all day. AKA, listen to her in the other rooms, consoling children and singing. I also really like the other people who work in her office. they were all goofy at the end of the day today and make up funny names for each other. I think I would fit in alright there. I think they like me alright, as far as they know me.

I am so proud to have Sheri as my sister. Ms big shot. The one in charge. He he. I am also very glad that I can come down and visit whenever I want to (and can afford to, of course).

Anyway, tired and have a headache now. probably should sleep.

Sappiness

So, today is my birthday, and I am now 23 years old. whooptie do. It wasn't a bad day, overall. I decided that I was going to sleep in (because it's my birthday!) and work a half a day at sheri's office. But when I got there during lunch, she wasn't there, and when she did get there, I realized that there wasn't much work to do for anyone, and the busy work that I know how to do would be everybody's busy work. So I didn't want to be in the way, I would go shopping. I did that a bit and then picked up my 2 youngest nieces and nephew from school. (don't you think they should make one word for plural nieces and nephews? like, brothers and sisters=siblings) Everybody went out to eat at Mikata's Japanese steakhouse for dinner, where Stephanie HAD to tell the host that it was my birthday so they would sing for me, even after I threatened to lick her hand-which I did follow through with as punishment. We got a really cute poloroid picture out of it though.

At home, Brit, Steph, Sheri and I played some cards. After everyone had gone to bed, I got to sit up and talk with my sister for about an hour. Just her and I. And I think that was the best present I could have gotten for my birthday. I love my big sister. :)

Happy Birthday to me.

Working Girl

Today, I worked for my sister and the dental office Holyshit! Leah just fell down the main stairs in the house! How scary! But, no worries, she is ok, just a little shaken. Back to the post.

Working today was actually fun, mostly because I haven't ever done it before. I can easily see that the job that I was doing was one that I wouldn't love doing very often, but because I hadn't done it before, it seemed fine. There was a lot to learn and almost enough to keep me busy. I still didn't really know what I was doing, but at least I made some moola.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I think I am going to sleep in, then go in to work for half a day and see what happens after that. I think my sister is going to make oven fried chicken, which is delish. Truthfully, not too excited for my birthday, but I think that is just because it isn't all that special. 23. yippee.

Church, and fevers

Today is Sunday. In the south, that means BIG breakfast, Church, and televised sports, namely football and racing. Breakfast = Amazing. Grits, Bacon, Biscuits, and eggs. Delicious. I believe I had two helpings of everything.

I felt pretty awful waking up, sounded like a seasoned smoker, and felt like I might die. So the idea of church wasn't really turning me on. But I went, and it was an experience. People are very emotional about their religion here. It was moving, but also a little unnerving. The parishioners acted like they all knew me, really. And that is even stranger because that was only my sisters 2nd or 3rd time going to the church, so they didn't even really know her all that much, much less me.

We came home and I took an hour long nap, then I was woken up to go to Cracker Barrel for lunch. I was up for food, don't get me wrong. We ate and then went to Wal-Mart. Woo. Came home, watched football and racing, and Spiderman 3. SOMEHOW, we had all of the ingredients for BLTs, including cooked bacon leftover from breakfast, so that became dinner at 9pm.

I might get to work tomorrow, so I should really sleep. Wish me luck!

Ill

So, I guess I get to continue the tradition that my friends started when traveling. I am sick. :( I don't really know what the deal is, but my lungs and esophagus really really itch and are sore. I have to clear my throat almost every time I start talking as well, so I am guessing that I have got some nasty stuff going down in my chest cavity.

Today, my sister was really trying to get me to tell her what I want her to buy me for my birthday, but I hate to ask people for things, it's like telling them, 'buy me this, I am worth at least that much'. So I didn't tell her anything, plus I couldn't remember exactly what I wanted.

I solved this problem by having my mom talk to my sister and read her the list that I gave my mom for my birthday and christmas. I kind of made me mad that I had to explicitly TELL my mom that that was the point, but I guess it got the job done. Off to bed now, I don't want to get sicker than I am already.

Best and worst traveling

I discovered (and rode in) the worst seat on the plane yesterday. Very last row, aisle seat, across from the bathroom. It is so loud because you are near the engine, you can't recline the minuscule (but welcome) two inches that all of the other seats recline, and you are about a foot from the door of the bathroom, which puts people's butts right in your face when they try to get the door open. Of the dozen or so people I saw use the bathroom, 100% of them were guys. I am not sure if that means anything really, but I found it against the odds. Don't go getting jealous of me with all of those butts, most of those guys could easily be considered elderly. ugh. My row partner and I could hear a dog howling in the cargo compartment as well, which was wonderful.

After deplaning, though, I think I was the first to get my back off of the conveyor and I made it to the ground transportation with only like two minutes to spare, which was unprecedented. Usually I have to wait almost a whole hour.

Thats the best and worst of it.

Day one: Departure

Woo! I finally get to leave, not have to smell chocolate for a week and adopt my southern accent once again! In case there is a crash, I am on a delta flight, #45--. I don't remember the rest right now, but I am sure that narrows it down somewhat. Also, I am flying between Milwaukee and Atlanta, leaving at 12:49 or something. He he. I am kind of counting on not dying this afternoon!

I bet you thought I would forget that today is the first day of NaBloWriMo, but I didn't! Hopefully my sister has wireless access or this might be a harder goal to accomplish than I thought.

Happy Thursday!

Treasure!

Look what I found! Truth

Maggots!

I am so upset! It is so hard to make yummy food with ingredients that are already in the house. But, I had rotting bananas! And we have baking stuff! I can make BANANA BREAD! That is, until I have mixed in half a cup of flour and realize that I have replaced 'walnuts' with 'maggots' from the recipe. Nasty. And disappointing. And disgusting. I might go throw up now.

NaBloWriMo

I am up for the challenge. I think I can write a post every day in November. Can YOU?!

http://nablopomo.ning.com/

A pinch of this, a dash of that

So these last couple of weeks haven't been all that exciting. I have worked a lot. Which is so exciting... right. Actually it's the complete opposite of exciting, its mind-numbingly boring. Today I got 130 pages of a novel read. Customers are annoying. I know that's what I am being paid to do and all, but why do that have to be so irritating? It's like the come in thinking, "This girl has nothing better to do than watch me look at candy, lets take all day, and then change our minds and take even longer!' Enough about work, I will be there in another 12 hours anyway.

My dad comes home tomorrow night. It's pretty exciting, but it isn't like I haven't been through this a number of times. I am excited to see him and all, but now I have to clean out my car and take him home, yadda yadda yadda. I guess I will get some quality time with my dad out of it, and a free tank of gas. So good times. Tomorrow night I am sure we will go get a beer. He misses that stuff over there.

Tomorrow in general will be really busy. I work from 10-6 and then RIGHT AWAY I have an exec board meeting for hoofers, the general meeting, then I am running with patsy, showering and then picking my dad up at the airport. phew. Guess I will be eating dinner on the road somewhere, between one event and another.

Yes, Patsy and I are going to start running again! I am quite excited about this because running started to be something that I was improving in. Getting better at something is such a huge motivator. And actually being good at something. Now that's rare in this girl's world.

I have been thinking a lot about dating. (imagine that!) I think one of my problems is that I really don't like forced conversations in contrived circumstances. I think most people don't like thisI am also ashamed when someone knows that I like them. It's embarrassing, I assume that they will notice and think, "You like me?! Do you really think that you are worthy of my reciprocal admiration? Who do you think you are?" So basically I end up hiding or denying any kind of interest. Which is SO helpful, I know. But it's really hard to block that feeling that I will be automatically rejected, so I protect myself by not putting myself out there to be rejected. It's self defeating self preservation. Oh, how the mind works. Or my mind at least.

Frustration

What's worse than starting a new job and not knowing how to do anything? Being employed at the same job for a year and a half and still feeling incompetent. Today I was in the Kitchen, and I always feel like a new employee there. I don't know where anything is, I don't know a lot of the procedures for things there, and I am not really close with the other employees. But, for some reason, I am expected to know all of this, because I have done this for 18 months. Nobody seems to remember that it was in a completely different setting, and when there are that many things to memorize their exact location, it takes a long time to remember it all. And I get to remember it all in TWO places, cause I am awesome like that. I probably won't be back to the kitchen for a while because they will need me in Madison. I actually like the pace of Lake Mills, I like that I am not by myself and that there are things to do that aren't exactly the same thing that I did every day before.

I got my hair cut on Monday! I really like it. It's shorter, curly and has new highlights. You'll have to come check it out. Spend some quality time, yo.

That didn't work. I was trying to get over this anxiety from work by talking about my hair. So now, on to relaxation on my bed. Calm....

Week Eraser

Living weekend to weekend hasn't been that bad so far. Not since sophomore year in high school have I had the pleasure of having weekends free. And then I still had show choir and other commitments that were occasionally on the weekends. These last couple of days has been pretty great. Stress free, relaxing, yet productive. What more can I ask for? Also, both the Badgers and the Packers won, so yay.

I feel much less upset about the friend drama now. Thank you so much. It worried me so much, and I know not everything is worked out, but at least some progress has begun. I know that I can't go back to how things were this last winter, but hopefully things aren't going to be so awkward!

Next Saturday is Cranfest! And I am so excited. I haven't been back in a couple of years, and it's not like its the most exciting thing in the world, but it's something interesting to do near my hometown, and this year, FRIENDS want to come with me. Yay! We are staying at my dad's house, playing games, chilling out and of course going to the 'fest. Friends can meet my voice teacher and see where I come from...it might explain some things. :) sigh. Should be a good time, and I can't wait.

Having fun things to look forward to on the weekend really helps you forget about how boring your week is. And was. It works both ways, it gives me a clean slate to start my Monday with.
Celebrating the weekend (and autumn!),
Jen

Say wa?

So, once again, I don't know what to think or feel. I want to think and feel the RIGHT things, those things that a good person would experience naturally. A person who wouldn't make unreasonable demands or expect more than people should be expected to give.

Can you miss something without ever really having it in the first place? I feel that way about love right now. Could it be that we as people need to be loved so much that one could feel its absence without first experiencing its presence?

Fortune

The message in my fortune cookie: "Today is a disastrous day. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." so true.

Beginning again

Tonight served mainly as reassurance that things will be alright for me, at least in the short term. The hoofers meeting took longer than usual, but afterwards I felt like I knew something about the club and what was going on. I helped my roommate sign up for the club and answered questions form some newbies. After that died down, we all went up to the terrace and hung out and talked about our summers. Everyone is back, and I am so happy.

Nikita was there, as was Mike, Joel, Kerem (his last meeting before going to Australia), Jack, Thomas, Connie, Doug.... just about everyone, except for the two people I see most often. This in itself, talking to so many people that I have kind of forgotten were there and knew me, just made me feel like I belonged. I know this is probably some sort of survival instinct, but I need to feel like I belong somewhere. With people, welcomed and understood, even a little. Without that, I get to feeling like I am treading water in the middle of the ocean, that belongingness is my raft. It doesn't necessarily need to be hoofers, but that's what's there right now.

I am lucky to have the friends that I do. Some things are weird between some of my friends right now, but they are still my friends, and without them, I would be even crazier than I already am. I want them all to know that I appreciate and love them. Those from my past, whom I cherish from afar, to those I live nearly directly above, I need you and I am glad you are in my life.

Eventhough I am not in school right now, I can feel this 'new-ness' from the start of the school year. It feels good.

Hot in....

It is so hot in here! I can't wait for the weather to break so that I won't be miserable in my 'own' house. That might be nice. Living in a sauna is never a good choice.

Brian and Patsy are back! And life resumes a semblance of normalcy. I am sad that Maddy won't be keeping me company anymore, but I am glad that I won't be up at 6:30 tomorrow morning either.

Just this week it dawned on me that I HAVE to work to live. That I actually can't just take off work whenever I wanted to, because I NEED the money. Ugh. This is not a good realization, but one that should have been made... oh I dunno, like 7 years ago. Have you noticed the extent of my skills in denial? I am a genius. So I told The Boss (not bruce springsteen) that I wanted to work 40 hours a week. GROSS. I don't really want to work 40 hours a week. Not at all. But such is life. I was getting super depressed about it though, feeling like I was a failure, especially listening to my roommates talk about their education and what they want to be. I don't even know if I want to use my degree. But, after a while I decided that I can always go back to school... and that I really might want to in Seattle. It would give me some sort of purpose there, and a way to meet people. So we'll see. And I am not so sad about it right now, so that's a good thing.

There was probably more I wanted to write about, but... I think I will sleep instead. Night.

It's a hard knock life

I am perpetually pooped! These last two weeks have been pretty hard. Moving is 'over' now, thank god! I mean, all of our stuff is on the property somewhere, so the furthest we would have to haul it is a couple hundred feet. Sure, our house still looks generally like crap, but at least it is filled with our stuff. I am basically done painting my room, except for some trim work and touch ups. All of my big stuff is moved into my room too, so I am on the downward slope of this whole task.

Oh goodness, I just realized that my shoulder didn't hurt this morning when I woke up... or I don't remember it hurting anyway. That is both great and amazing, considering all I have been doing over the last couple weeks has been tough for my shoulder.

Maddy comes today to stay for the week! I am both excited and a little bit nervous about it. I hope everything goes smoothly, because we have a lot of work to be done here still and I have to work all week. I am sure everything will be fine, she is a fun pup, and it's only a week. Plus Andrea said she would help, so it isn't all on my shoulders.

Anyway, I should get back to my room, to painting... I should try to finish that before the puppy comes I guess.

Family and Home

I had a really great time at home this last week. Spending time with my niece, mom and aunt was just an overall good time. Steph and I went to Noah's Ark, House on the Rock, on a brewery tour in LaCrosse and biking on the Elroy-Sparta trail. Here are a couple pics from this week.

For more, visit my google photos. : ) they're all there.

New things and happiness.

Hello friend world!

I am doing well, yourself? There are so many things to talk about! Tomorrow, I am going out to eat with Jacob - our second date! He is quite cute and nice. We are having mexican, but I wanted him to pick the place, so I am not sure where we are going.

I am currently working out 6 days a week! It's going really well and I am feeling great about myself, so that is certainly a good thing. I joined Curves and started running. The best thing is that both of those things are accompanied by friends. So it's almost a social thing for me too, which is awesome and motivating.

Today I really needed someone to talk to me and get me though some fear/anxiety about some personal things, and I found someone that I know I can talk to about anything. Patsy, you are the greatest, seriously. I heart you! Thanks for not making me feel stupid!

The one not so happy thing is that my dad wants to go back to Iraq... I dunno. If that's what he wants to do, is what I always say. I know he is bored and lonely here, so if it will make him feel better, go ahead. Of course, I will worry, but I have this strange, unreasonable faith that he will be fine. He's a strong, smart guy. I dunno.

Anyway, I should head to bed. Workout at 0800.

Looking up

Today I realized that my shoulder felt less like someone was stabbing me with a red hot fire poker every time I moved. So that's an improvement.

I called my job possibility to see if they had made any decisions, and nobody answered... or called me back. I am going with 'no news is good news'. Maybe tomorrow. There's always that.

I ran again today with Patsy. It felt much better than the first time, which I am way happy about. I know, I have only been out twice now, but any kind of positive reward I can get will help me at this point.

Today at work, people wanted chocolate. Inconceivable, right? All. day. long. Sometimes I don't understand WHY I have to help them, besides the whole getting paid thing. The Bourne Identity was good though. I had seen it before, but didn't feel I gave it the attention it needed, so I watched it at work. :) Tomorrow: The Bourne Supremacy. Hey, ya gotta watch them both before The Bourne Ultimatum comes out August 1st! I also don't have to work on Saturday now, so Patsy and I were talking about maybe going hiking... let me know if there is interest! There are new capris to be worn.

I suppose... sleep will be a good thing for tomorrow's 8am workout. I might get up early enough to watch the start of tomorrow's stage in La Tour de France! Night all!

Not again.

We're at that point again, folks. You know. A couple posts back, when I was freaking out. It's here again, but I have nothing new to say.nothing will end this. It's a good thing I already know how to knit and have gotten over my fear of cats. Looks like that will be my life.

You know it's summer when....

In the spirit of top fives, I submit:
Top 5 signs its summer:

1. You find yourself simultaneously watching a baseball game while eating a BLT and corn on the cob.

2.Your tan lines reveal what you wear most often, including accessories and shoes.

3. The bottom of your feet resemble sandpaper covered granite

4. Arguments are suddenly about grillables and beer.

5. You can't believe you forgot that the most mesmerizing thing ever is a campfire.

Discovery

So, I guess that sleeping for 10 hours can help your mood. Now I am off to join an old lady gym and work for 8 hours. yee haw.

Pathetic.

I don't know what just happened, but it did not put me in a good mood. I guess I thought back on my day off, and then my life and it just started to depress me. I mean, damnit... my life is pathetic. I guess I didn't know what life is supposed to look like, but I just seem very needy and on the verge of breakdown. I can't even think about my love life without tears welling and a panicked knot in my chest. I am just so confused about the whole situation. I mean, I understand i am not the most wonderful person in the world, aestetically or in terms of personality, but I am not the bottom of the barrel (can I say that and not be egotistical?). I am actually very afraid. I don't know what to do, I just don't know! Doesn't anyone have answers? I feel lost and alone right now. Because all this time has passed (my whole life) without anyone caring about me or seeing good things in me, I feel like the scum of the earth. I feel like I don't deserve love. I must not, or something good would have happened at some point.

I feel like there is no way out, no way for this to end. I really, truly, might end up alone. Is there anything scarier than that?

Goodness

I am having an excellent run of life right now! On Thursday, there was a message from Dane County Parent Council saying that they wanted me to come in for an interview and to call them back. So I called them on Friday, and scheduled my interview for today (monday). Then I went away for the weekend. I had a great time with my friends, camping, no less. I was fine and calm and happy and it was good. It was also hot as hell, but we won't dwell on that fact.

My interview went pretty well today, I think. I even told my boss about it, and she took it better than I thought she would. Then she called me back like 10 minutes later to say that she just got a call from DCPC, I guess they were checking my references. Good? Hopefully.

If I got this job, it would mean a $3.60 pay increase, plus full benefits, and 40 hours a week (weekends off!!!). I will keep you 'posted'. he he.

Retail therapy

I spent a large amount of money today!!! But I got some fun stuff. For instance: A tent. The Vector 22 from North Face, for only $259. Ha, only. I also got a Thermarest: for $49, and a stuff sack to put it in for $11. So I spent $335 today, and I liked it.

So I hope I get to go camping this weekend! Sue is going to call if I have to work, but she said she most likely can work for me... totally exciting. I also hope that it is a relaxing, rather than anxiety producing, event. I am going to make my potato salad that I love, and that most other people like too (but patsy won't, not with all that mayo in it). I want to swim and play and relax and have fun, instead of being bored and alone at my stupid job. Only time will tell. :) I am almost tempted to set up my tent in the living room and sleep in it. It might be good practice. Or just a fun time.

Correction.

I just realized that I probably don't seem happy, but I am. Or maybe the feeling is just relaxed. Whatever, I feel good, and those of you reading this are probably to blame. :)

What is summer? -or- Why do I seem so happy?

So, I couldn't decide what to title this post as, so it is what it is.

On my moped ride home tonight from another awesome dinner with friends, I started thinking about how happy I was (even though I was slightly afraid of being mugged because it was 12:30, and besides the fact that I was FREEZING). It's summer, and it's good. It's a huge surprise actually.

Everything's not perfect, of course, but just knowing that I have friends who want to do things with me, and having fun, and laying in the grass, and watching movies...sigh, it's making me happy. I may have lowered my standards (and added an antidepressant), but if it makes me happy, so what, right? Tonight was the third night in a row that I didn't make it home until after 12:30, even with no responsibilities or real excuses for being up that late, I actually was socializing. Big step.

On to the things that mean summer to me:

• Corn on the Cob
• BLTs with fresh ripe tomatoes
• Potato packets
• The smell of sunscreen
• The smell of bug spray
• Fireflies (or lightning bugs, if you will)

I am so excited that I might get to go camping next weekend! This is a miracle, the fact that I am excited. Litterally a month ago, the mention of camping made me instantly anxious. After laying outside in the grass all day, I think I can handle sleeping in a tent. Which I am going to buy, if Sue says she can work for me on Saturday. :) Here's to hoping she will.

15 Blisters

I am exhausted, but I wanted to tell everybody that I had a good time in Vegas. The 15 blisters on the soles of my two feet is proof of my great time. More updates later, must sleep.

One success, one failure, all in one day.

So today went well for the most part. We got up in the hell hole known as Tuba City, AZ and drove to the grand canyon. That was amazing. Just beautiful. And, despite my usual fears, I wasn't too freaked out. That's the success.

We then drove to Flagstaff, where we are staying tonight. I don't know why I decided to change the plan from staying in Williams, and now I am wishing that I wouldn't have. I knew that if we stayed in a big enough town that we would HAVE to go out, because my friends love to go to bars. Frankly, I am just not into that scene, at all. I feel completely insecure and vulnerable in that situation, because I haven't had many good experiences in those settings. So when we went out tonight, I tried to be happy and have fun, but I couldn't do it. First of all, I was DD, so I wasn't drinking, and, as soon as I saw that all the guys were interested in my friends, and only my friends, I just gave up and pouted. Sad, pathetic, yes, I know. Eventually, Christin and I came back to the hotel, Karlie and Lia will take a taxi back, I guess.

I got some amazing pictures today though, so thats a positive thing.

I can't believe that we are going to be spending the next two nights in Vegas, doing exactly what I don't feel comfortable doing. I guess I will figure something out. These next two nights are the last two that Karlie will be spending with us as well, before moving to L.A. Sad again.

From the road: Tuba City, AZ

So, yes, I am in a really small, quite crappy town in Arizona that is overrun by abandoned dogs. And they don't use daylight savings, so its a different time than the rest of Arizona. We are in the Navajo nation.... so weird.

We have seen some amazing sights and it has been great. Today was probably the worst day actually. It was cold and kind of rainy at the sand dunes, and then we drove for like 5 hours to this crappy town, where the only rooms available are in the hostel, and my friends got their clothes locked in the laundry room. We barely have internet access and are locked in for the evening.

Ugh. If you want to see pictures, go to http://picasaweb.google.com/home?tab=mq

See you soon!

It's about to begin.

Well, the final night of waiting is here. I can't believe that I am going to be going on a two week long roadtrip that I have been planning for a YEAR with my best friends, and that it starts tomorrow.

We packed up the car tonight and took stupid pictures, surely that won't be then end of those. :) Everything fit in the car, so that's a good sign. Then we sat around the campfire with my dad and talked about what is going to come tomorrow. I am just so happy. I already don't want it to be over.

My dad is on the way to my apartment (in madison) to pick up the extra set of keys for my car... yes, I forgot them. It's amazing that he is driving there right now, that's a long way.

I have to wrap up some loose ends, to make the morning smooth. Talk to you soon!

The messy life

I cannot believe how messy my life has become since graduation, both physically and in terms of security.

Four years of living with other people has not cured my tendency to be slightly on the messy side. I left dishes in the sink for a week! There is stuff all over my apartment, and I am kind of basking in the idea that I don't HAVE to pick it up-nobody is going to get mad at me. I kind of am enjoying this whole 'living alone' bit. I still feel really free from graduation. It's good.

As for the security thing... I guess I am good rolling with the punches. Most of my life I have spent being slightly unsure about where I would be living in the near future, so I have experience with this sort of thing. But it still sucks. Now we don't know what exactly is going on with our house, because the married's aren't going to be married anymore, and the other guy doesn't want to be the only guy, and the other chick is nervous about getting a stranger. Oh my, the drama. I really like the idea of keeping the house we have, just because I hate to change things (and I showed my family where it was, lol) but if we have no better choice then I am up for it. The only thing I am truly afraid of is complete abandonment. If this turns into me having to find a place to live on my own, I might freak out. Signing a lease doesn't seem like a risk, but I guess it is. All I have to say is, Andrea, please don't leave me. Thanks. :)

I think I am going to go take care of the mess under my control. Lata

Weirdness

So. The dust has settled from the momentous weekend. Everyone survived. I know that my last post didn't make a whole lot of sense, but it was just a little too soon for me to blog about graduation, I guess.

I had my last exam on Thursday, and then had to work, which was hard. I actually was running in place in the back because I was so excited. After work, I got my hair cut (exciting), luke and I went shopping and got completely exhausted. Then I learned how to be treasurer, which seems like it should be ok... but a little challenging. At this point it was like 9pm, and I find out that my Lit prof couldn't open the final that I emailed him. So I have to print it off... but I am at the union, with no print card, no money, and my printer at home didn't have any black ink. I was so exhausted at this point that the thought that I might not actually be done, just made me want to scream. But I got a hold of Andrea and she printed it off for me... I just had to run and get it and turn it in. Even though I was exhausted, I still didn't sleep Thursday night.

Friday was Lukes 20th Birthday, so I took him out to breakfast at the Hubbard Ave Diner in Middleton. After that, I had to see my 'perscriber'... and then my mom came. We (she basically) made potato salad, and then my aunt and uncle showed up. My sisters flight was canceled on the Milwaukee to Madison route, so they bussed her in. When she got in, we went for pizza at the Roman Candle on Willy street. It was soooo good. We came back to my apartment, picked up the food for the picnic the next day and headed over to the hotel. And then we shopped. My family loves to shop. After Target, Kohls, REI and Party something, we met up with my dad and Aunt Karen to eat at Outback Steakhouse. It was so yummy, and it was great just having everyone there. My family is hilarious. Then the convoy traveled back to the hotel, where one group played cards, and the other group drank. I attempted to do both, but the alcohol never materialized. That night I found out that my sister talks in her sleep and that I can go a long time without sleeping through the night.

Saturday I graduated. On big days I get hypersensitive to irritating things, like ... someone in my family who bugs me constantly. But I made it through (with a small close call during the ceremony... stupid anxiety). My favorite part was singing 'varsity' at the end. I always have felt the most connected to my school while singing that song in large groups. Surprisingly, I found my family afterwards outside in front of the kohl center... a miracle in itself. Then there were tons of pictures taken...and we left to go to the arboretum for the picnic I planned. Absolutely perfect day for a picnic. Not to cold or hot, partly cloudy, just great. We ate, took pictures, played in a tree and smelled flowers. Then we visited Laurie at the shop and got some chocolate! It was fun to chat with her.

Man, I have to go to work. I guess I will finish this later...

It's Over

So, the long awaited, much anticipated weekend is over. I have trouble with things ending. It isn't so much the school ending that makes me sad, I am just sad that the weekend is over. My family is amazing. Really. I mean, they have their problems, but they are amazing to me. I had NINE family members attend the ceremony. That's amazing to me. And the next day, I had a ton more people show up for my party. My sister flew in from Georgia, for $750, to see me graduate. Sigh. The fact that this all happened makes me happy and sad, of course. I know this is supposed to be about being grateful that everyone came, but I am just so happy that I got to see my sister. I miss her so much. Last night she slept in my room, and now it still smells like her perfume in here. Sounds creepy but it isn't.

I had a great weekend. Couldn't have been much better, really. I just wish it wouldn't have had to end.

got the 'after party' blues.
Jen

Meine Schulter tut mir weh. Warum?

Hey yall. the mystery has been solved. Early this morning I had my MRI. That was really weird, and I am so happy that I didn't let myself freak out in there, because I was close. Those tubes that they put you in are so much smaller than I expected. I swear the 'ceiling' was 3 inches from my face, and I was touching it on both sides with my arms right on top of my body. It reminded me of the beginning of the Space Mountain ride at Disney World, where there are all these lights in rows, blinking to make it seem like you are going faster than you actually are. It wasn't too similar, but the recognition of something positive helped, so I went with it. Laying in that machine without moving for almost 40 minutes really made my shoulder start hurting. I was not happy about that, or the fact that my eyebrow itched and there was no possible way for me to scratch it, the tube was too small, and my arm was velcroed to my body. Sigh. But I made it!

I got the results today while I was in the library. Apparently I have both tendinitis and bursitis. So I have some swelling where there shouldn't be any. It's not too big of a deal, with the worst case scenario being that I will have to have some sort of drugs injected into my joint. While this doesn't sound pleasant at all to me, I will take that over surgery any day. And I know I will have to ice the crap out of it, so I bought a new ice pack. And rest. Lots of being nice to my shoulder. Read: no paddling for a while. That's sad, but I guess I can deal with that more than near constant pain. But it really is a close race between those two alternatives. lol. I will for sure ask about how long it should take. I am still shooting for the Chicago River seakayaking trip on June 3rd, but that might be ambitious.

I got Theresa to carry my clothes down the stairs today because I knew there was no way for me to do it without hurting myself. Do you know how much you use your shoulder every single day?! A LOT.

Oh well. I am going to get back to actually accomplishing things. My motivation waxes and wanes, or something (comes and goes). So I have to use it while it is here.

TEN DAYS LADIES AND GENTS.

Yes, no, maybe so

I'm sorry.

Now that that's out of the way, let me waste my time. I have an exam tomorrow, but I am tired. And I just don't want to participate in the educational process anymore.

Today I was the lead teacher at Head Start. I loved it and I wasn't too bad. I love those kids, seriously, I am going to be sad to see them go at the end of the year. That might be a bad thing, getting too attached, but I think it enables you to really give everything you have in helping them. At least if that is your job. With me it's just kind of sad. For a visual, there is me reading a book about the moon to the cuties.

And here's Tony.... Yeah, he is the most challenging child at the center, but when you get on his good side its just so much fun. Ok, I admit it, I love little kids. I can't help it.

After that, I went to do a presentation on my internship, that I spent about 20 minutes preparing for. Yeah, wasn't pretty, but it's over, so, that's what I am focusing on.

Back to the exam stuff. I wish you well.

Screws

I don't think I have told anyone this, cause it's pretty 'off the wall', so to speak.
You know those screws that can only be turned to the right? You can only tighten them. The ones that can only be found in bathroom stalls... They depress me so much. Every time I see them, it makes me sad. I can't stand the fact that you can't undo them, that they are there forever. It might be because I am uncomfortable with the idea of not being able to take anything back, or undo something that I have done. Don't worry, I haven't done anything wrong, or actively wrong I guess. Maybe I just am worried that when the bathroom needs to be remodeled, I don't know what they are going to do to get the stalls apart. Either way, it sucks. And, even though I know that they do this to me, I actively look for them every time I go into a bathroom stall. Continuing the metaphor from before, kind of, Does this mean that I really try to find the things that make me feel bad?

Tonight I am feeling exactly the way that I did at the film festival on Wednesday, but I am not watching an amazing film, I am watching my life, and I am still completely entranced by everything I see. Like I am hypnotized or something. What does this all mean? Ugh. I hate not knowing.

Banff!

The Banff film festival was absolutely amazing tonight. Basically it's a winning collection of short to short-ish films about 'mountain culture'. I saw people solo rock climbing on islands in Tahiti, bikers flying down mountains, and a 5,000+ mile bike trip over mountians, desert and urban areas in Asia.

There was one film, about 10 min long that I literally felt like I didn't want to blink, and I was frozen. There was no narration, just absolutely amazingly beautiful views and alternative angles of looking at mountains and all that coexist with them. Brilliantly beautiful music filled the whole movie. I loved it personally.

There was also one about these hooded (somethings) ducks hatching in Northern Minnesota... at 20 hours old they have to jump out of their nest! They dive from 20 feet in the air and into the water. Let me tell you now. Cute has hell. Seriously. But I do love ducks. I might be biased.

Anyway, I should get stuff done, but NO. I want to sleep instead, sucker. Hope everyone else had as good of a night as I did!

Sleep: my drug of choice

Because of reasons unknown, my favorite thing to do lately is sleep. It might be because of stress, the drugs I am taking or a change in my general sleeping habits. Regardless, I am sleeping much more than I used to. And by used to I mean like a month ago. All I want to do right now is go to bed. This makes things hard because I can't get anything done during the day because I am so busy, but I can't get anything done at night because I just want to sleep. So basically, I can't get anything done. I am sure that it doesn't help that I am busy practically every minute that I am awake. But anyway, enough of this crap. On to something new.

Last night I got cold feet about next year. I was having such an awkward, annoying day that I was truly afraid that I really might make my friends hate me. I was just...so... dumb yesterday. Awkward is the perfect word for it, but I already used it once. I might be becoming more self conscious now. Not good, not good at all. Whatever. Ugh. Do most people get seriously annoyed with themselves and their own quirks? Cause I do. And I feel like apologizing to everyone around me. If I am annoyed, I figure they must be too. This makes me want to isolate myself so that I can spare the world of my ridiculousness.

I know that this goes back on my word from post one. I was going to be upbeat only, but this just isn't really possible right now. Sorry guys.

Easter week

This week has blown by! I thought it would drag out and be awful, but really, it has been quite good. One more day of busy work before it's all over. Today wasn't wonderful, I made the boss mad and I felt ill most of the time. This too shall pass. I have successfully drugged Andrea and Nathan's cat 3 times now. I am quite proud of myself, he he. Once more and I am home free. But to think, I used to be very afraid of cats, now I am forcing pills down their throats...

I have been sleeping more than usual, and I haven't gotten much homework done. That might be why I have enjoyed my break, but who really cares? It's spring break! Some people do NO homework this whole week, so I am ahead of them at least.

I have been convinced to go home tomorrow night. I didn't want to, but my mom talked me into it. It sounds like they want to see me. Geez. Happy Easter, everybody.

Ice on an 80 degree day

Weekend was great. I worked on Sat, then my boss and I drove to Steven's Point-I dropped her off to see her son's basketball game and found Christin! I am so glad that I got to spend some time with her, it's been a long time. Went to a few bars, made fun of the people there, drank some, etc. Went back to Christin's boyfriends house, ate toppers, drove back to Christin's and actually got to sleep in a BED! Drove home in the morning with a sense of utter abandon, I felt like I was free and happier than I have been in quite a while. When I got back to Madison, Theresa, her cousin and I went to the union terrace because it was 78 degrees! You can't pass that up in mid-March. The ice on lake Mendota was not very far off shore, but it definitely got further and further away throughout the afternoon. I read some and burned some, it was absolutely great. I ate dinner with luke-we made chicken fettuccine with marinara sauce and garlic bread. yummy. Luke and I walked the mile or so to Boarders after dinner. He needed to change his schedule for Monday and I wanted to buy a book. When it is that nice out I just want to be outside, so we decided to skip the car. On the way back, we stopped at starbucks and got some iced drinks. Upon arriving home, Theresa and I went to church. Nick sat by us! That was very cool. He hugged me during the 'peace' part. After communion, sometimes they sing a second song without telling us where it is in the book, so I couldn't follow along, but I got to listen. And sometimes music hits me in ways that don't really have to do with my auditory perception. Sometimes I can 'feel' the music, and see it. I want to describe listening to this song as 'a massage for my brain'. It was just really good. I love chords when they hit right and are balanced so that you can hear everything. We then went to Laundry 101 and did a couple of loads, returning home at about midnight.

It was such a great day. I am so grateful for days like that. Yesterday wasn't bad either, I moved my room around a little bit-one of my favorite past times. Crazy, I know.

Back to work, kiddos!

The 'crazy' last few days.

So let me catch you up. Tuesday was a good day. Normal classes, I got my package from my aunt (containing my powercord and my new watch-priceless!). Then it was hoofer time-I love hoofer time. After the (somewhat) unimportant meeting (it being unimportant because I am WAY too busy to go on trips right now) I took part in bood -remember Beverages and fOOD- which was really fun, as usual. AND I didn't have to bum a ride, thank you spring for allowing me to ride my moped! I did freeze my ass off on the scooter though. Then I actually got to sleep before 1:30, which is an improvement.

Wednesday I was an intern, was perscribed Prozac, worked, drank coffee, and 'libraried', in that order. Of course, when I was at work, the first call that came in was from a crotchety old woman calling from East Wash asking how to get to the store. She obviously didn't realize that it is actually quite complicated to get to the store if you don't know what the hell you are doing. So I spent 16 min on the phone with her walking her through the city. I was successful, which just goes to show how much I have driven around this city in the last 3 years. I did it all from memory. Yeah...it's ok to worship my direction-giving talent. lol. And another lady came in... I thought I recognized her. We do have a lot of repeat customers, and sometimes it makes the customer feel special when you remember them, so I asked her why I thought I knew her. Mistake. I found out, I didn't want to know how I knew her. Yes... she was from UHS, and yes, the last time I saw her, she was at the end of a table that had stirrups. Ugh. I wanted to get her out of the store, ASAP. And I was successful at that as well.

Today... has been good. I got sunburned though. 12 minutes in a tanning bed for the first time in a year is too long. It isn't too bad though, just itchy. :) I have an exam in an hour... that i really don't care about. BRING IT ON!

You hate me, don't you?

Why don't you comment me? It's because you hate me... I knew it! sigh. Fine. I hate you too.

SO frustrated!

So yeah... I am not in a good mood. I should be getting stuff done but I have to vent first. #1 I am super irritable and cranky because of the 'scripts I started this week. #2 I drove extremely fast for 2 hours for no reason, trying to accomplish something nice. #3 I left my power cord at my aunts house, so I won't be online anytime soon (I am at the library right now). #4 My roommate has officially turned into one of 'those' people who completely ignores everyone around them once they get into a relationship. For the past month or so, I have been going to church with her because that is the only time that she actually hangs out with me. Yes, I have been using God to stay in touch with my roommate. Today I went to church with my aunt, so I knew that the roommate still needed to go. But when I asked her if I could possibly bother her to accept a ride from me and study afterwards, she initally says yes. But then... oh, 'R' wants to go to church, (and he has a car) thereby completely stripping me of any power that would intice my roommate to spend time with me. Lord knows she won't do it just because she is my friend (apparently). But I still ask if the roommate wants to study after church, and lo and behold... 'no, I probably shouldn't, I have all this stuff' (like to spread out). I know damn well that as soon as R gets back from his weekend trip she is going to go right over there and I won't see her until at least Wednesday. Also, while I am on the subject, it royally pisses me off that she spends at least 5 nights a week over there, she is practically living with him. Which a) is so supposedly morally wrong in her eyes, yet she does it anyway, and b) makes it so that E and I can't lock the door all the way cause we don't know when she is coming back in the morning. UGH!

One very unhappy J.

Admiration.

I have started reading people's blogs-people I don't even know. It's almost like a really slowly progressing movie or a tv show, only I read it instead of watching it. Pretty fun really. Except they blog everyday, which feeds into my addiction to reading them every day. And it makes me wish that I blogged everyday. Do I even have enough stuff to say everyday to blog about? I have no idea, probably not.

Today was a very busy day at work for me. I was there all day, and I got a whole list completed. Impressive, believe me. And I am tired for it too. Luke and I ate at an Indian restaurant afterwards, and it was good. I was up for something different, and that it was. We then watched some of Reno 911 (I am sorry, I tried, but I am just not that big of a fan) and then 'Seven'. That was uber creepy. And now I am here. See? Not too exciting.

I hate working alone. I am definitely a 'team player'. Much more motivated when people are counting on me. Friday should be more fun. I am closing with my boss. This weekend couldn't come fast enough, let me tell you. I am just sooooo done with this crap! Working 25 hours, internship 10 hours, class another 9 hours a week. It will be great when it is done. Yes sir.

Warm weather blues

So, I know that I can be weird sometimes, or most of the time, but this is bothering me. It is wonderful outside, 59 degrees-can you imagine? But for some reason, this fills me with a dread that I can't explain. I love the warm weather, but I think I associate warm weather with impending isolation and abandonment. Every year, for as long as I can remember, I have been bored, alone and restless in the summer, and I can't help but feeling that this summer will be the same. So, my best friend will be living with me, which will be awesome, but that does not stop me from feeling anxiety about it. UGH. It is frustrating. When I think about the summer, I actually find it somewhat harder to breathe, and I kind of want to cry. I know it will be fun, but...
I definitely need to clarify some things that I am worried about, specifically, before I lose all of you.
1. I am afraid that this summer will be a repeat of last year with L. He and I didn't have the best living experience, and I was concerned that my behavior would compromise our friendship. I don't want that to happen with K. We NEED to remain friends, which might involve some sort of baseline conversation.
2. I am afraid of being bored. I don't really understand this fear, besides that being bored causes me great discomfort or anxiety. I don't know how to do nothing, unless I actually HAVE to do something-then I don't want to do it.
3. I don't know what else. It just makes me uneasy-but don't read into this very deeply. It isn't a fear, just.... a preoccupation. or something

Back to studying for my exam that takes place in 90 min. Gross. Also... K poppe says 'Hi' to all the peoples in tv land.

Exams that rock.

So I have been pretty busy as usual. I realized yesterday that on Wednesdays and Fridays, I actually work about 10 hours, and then of course have other stuff to do afterwards, like study for exams. Which is how yesterday went for me. Get up at 7 (read: pretty early for me), get to head start by 8:15, teach kids how to count and write their own name, leave at 1:15. Work by 2pm, push chocolates like its my job till 6. Go home, attempt world record for fastest dinner cooked and consumed without the use of a microwave or IV. Head to library to study for exam. Get home at about 10... waste time online, go to bed.

I learned something last night that would have been of great use to me for the past 3 years. If I leave my computer at home, I can focus, and accomplish things in about 1/3 of the time it takes me with a computer. Its a simple concept really, it shouldn't have taken so long for me to figure it out. my computer is a distraction. A MAJOR distraction. Now... the choice to use this new information for good is mine. I haven't instituted a massive overhaul on how I waste, I mean use, my time yet though. Cause I am sitting in union south, updating my blog.

So anyway. I actually studied for this exam, which is a change from the last exam in this class. I didn't study at all (remember valentines day...it sucked) and I got an 85%. I am happy to report, with 2 hours of studying last night, I am quite sure that I kicked this exam in the ass, big time. Of course it was easy as sin though. In part of it, we had to fill in this diagram full of blank spaces, which I did, and I missed two spots, thinking, shit... what are those? And then I look below the diagram, and lo and behold... the answers are listed-you just have to put them in the right place on the diagram. First... I had no idea exams like this existed in college. Second... hell yes I got all of those answers in the right place. Plus.. ha ha... that diagram was worth 15% of the exam. Sometimes, my life really rocks. The rest of it was pretty easy. Most was multiple choice. I would declare a 'multiple choice exam' major if I could. I love'm.

I have a freaking doctor's appointment at 1pm, a not fun one. So... I am going to go throw this soda away before I down 22oz of liquid and have to pee for the next couple of hours.

Stalemate

I feel a little stuck right now. School should be over, my life should be settled and I should be happy. But all of that must wait, probably until at least May. Right now, graduation can't come fast enough. I am not involved in 'school' anymore. Everything that I like about being in college doesn't have to do with being a student. Drinking isn't interesting, really, just expensive and fattening. Studying has never been enjoyable. I just don't feel like doing it anymore. I love this city, I love my job, my friends and hoofers, but school can bite me.

So.. stuck is the word I would use to describe where I am right now. I need 9 credits to graduate, including 3 as an internship, 3 for 'Couple Relationships' (which is an irritating class), and 3 for another random class. I am taking 12 credits to stay full time for insurance purposes-the least amount I have ever taken in a semester, but it sucks still! Working an average of 25 hours a week doesn't help, but that's not the root of the problem.

Everyone I know in this situation feels quite similarly. We don't know what happens after May, but this fact bothers some more than others and people deal with it in different ways. I seem to be more of a 'must solve' kind of person, while others are in denial or physically showing symptoms of stress. We will get through. One day at a time, I guess.

Welcome to College!

So I know that I have been a student for almost four whole years now, but.... I might just be hitting my stride tonight. Without further ado.... This is what I had for dinner:

2 bowls of couscous (one seasoned with chili powder, one with garlic)
3 pieces of french toast with a glass of milk
Half a bottle of red wine

Calorie rich? Check.
Completely random? Double check.

am I loving it? Yes sir.

Have a good week everyone. I'll be seein ya. (ok, so I am a little toasted. geez.)

Welcome Myspace Converts...or perverts, whichever. lol

• Hello world! Just kidding. I am sure there are less people who read this blog than I have fingers.

• Anyway. I know I just posted two days ago, but... really a lot happened since then. After I posted on Tuesday, I got a bad headache and was super tired. Probably from that relaxing massage. Anyway, I didn't want to go to class, but I did. It was boring and I was irritable the whole time. After class, I saw that I had a voicemail from my boss, asking me if I could help her close, cause she really wanted to get out of work at 6, when we actually close. So I went in to work for an hour and a half. That was actually very enjoyable, because I seriously love my boss, and I hadn't seen her since Valentine's Day (which was not very fun, a day I have already started to repress). Plus, an hour and a half at work, come on. That is nothing. I might as well make $15 instead of eating ice cream cake with Ross. No offense to ross, but.... 300 calories....$15.... which one is more appealing in the long term. Anyway. That was the last good thing to happen until 11pm last night, when I finally went to sleep after being awake for 40 hours. Yes, 40 hours. That total makes me think: Could I possibly WORK for 40 hours straight? Get a whole weeks worth of wages in a day and a half? That would be pretty sweet.

• So what was I doing, you ask? Well, let me get back to after work. I left late, went back TWICE because I forgot important things, like...$3 for the parking meter so I could drive to my next class, and my freaking KEYS to drive to my next class... When I got to the parking ramp under the building where my class is, of course it is reserved for special events parking and would cost me $5. That's 2 bucks more than I have. So I am pissed and frustrated (remember that I forgot shit all day, was irritable to begin with, etc.) and almost started crying and thought about giving up and going home. But then I thought I should at least look at the meters next to the Union. I found one, so I decided not to throw in the towel just yet. I got to class 5 min late, but I was there. In the front row, litterally like 3 feet from the professor. And then I proceeded to fight sleep for an hour and 15 min. I think I actually did fall asleep once. By then I am starving! So I plan on getting something quick at the union before the hoofers meeting (cause I have my ID that works as a debit card of sorts at UW eateries, but no cash for food after the meeting with my friends). That takes freaking at least 10 min, and by the time that I run downstairs to get to the meeting that normally lasts till about 8, it is over, and none of my future roommates are there. I am trying to become friends with them, that's why I care about that. I did see Nikita, Mike, Joel and Karem, so that was nice. Then I went home to do homework. Which I did none of. I wanted to go to bed early (like 11), I mean, I was tired at noon, I was really tired by then. But I lay down at 12 and I was about to go to sleep, when my ill friend K calls and asks me to take her to the emergency room. Because I am not evil, I take her, and we are there till 5:45 (and I was not sleeping more than 2 min in the hard wooden chairs they had in her room), and then we go and get her prescriptions filled, and I return home at about 6:30am. I took a shower, ate breakfast (included in the meal was 20 oz of coffee), and go to my internship. And then to work. And then I ate dinner, and went to 'little children' with luke. AND THEN I went to bed. 24 hours after I planned.

• Today has been fine so far. Lets keep it up!
  

The Oscars

You know what I learned from the Oscars? I will tell you. (that's why you are here, ya know)
1. I love the last part of the oscars. I love seeing beautiful famous people win award and show a genuine emotion. It makes me happy.
2. I have a lot of movies that I want to see. A LOT. I want to see: The Queen, Little Children, Little Miss Sunshine, and The Departed. Ok. So only 4 that I can remember right now. But that's at least 8 hours of movie watching, and... if I were to watch them all next week, it would probably cost me around ($8x4movies=) $32. Wait. That's not too bad, actually. $32 to waste a whole day?! It's like $60 for an amusement park day. And a movie can't get rained out (which is kinda sad, I would like to go to a drive-in).

Enough about the Oscars.

I just got done with a massage, and man was it wonderful. I am thinking about maybe making this a monthly thing, before I graduate and it gets more expensive. Nothing else really too exciting going on. I might have a date in march though! So I lied a little, that is exciting. For real now, though... nothing else exciting. I know how you can't take all the adrenaline. I am sorry.

Inexplicable happiness in the face of boredom

Hi all.

I am in a great mood. We are supposed to get up to 12 inches of snow in the next 24 hours. Everything is shut down, buses, church in the morning, everything. And I am loving it. It reminds me of when I was little. We used to get tons of snow every winter, and (even when there wasn't snow) we didn't go anywhere, except maybe outside to play. This weather makes me want to drink hot chocolate and watch a movie by a fire. I wish we had a fireplace. But that's the only wish I have right now.

I think small, safe (relatively) disasters are fun, as long as nobody gets hurt. It's exciting to see what it will turn into and how hard I will have to work if I really DO need to go somewhere. But I won't. I love the idea of having to stay in for a day. Sigh. I don't have to do anything tomorrow (singsong voice). Well. Besides homework. But I think that's fine. A fair trade off.

I hope I get bored for a while tomorrow! It's a luxury sometimes in my life. At least lately.

Horray for a new start!

So... last week sucked. I will admit it. I ended up getting a C on one exam and an 85% on the other. Not my usual grades, but passing, nonetheless. I am excited to get a new start this week, put last week behind me.

This weekend was much better. I worked on Saturday, but managed to stay busy for the whole time, which is unusual and great. Saturday night I went to Man of La Mancha at the Ovature Center with Mike. I had a mild panic attack right at the beginning of the show, but was able to pull myself together enough to not freak out completely, which is a good thing.

Sunday was great. I slept until 9:15 (read: late for me) and Theresa and I went to Laundry 101 and then to church while our clothes dried. The service was good, and I followed it for a change. By that, I mean that it actually kept my attention, not that only today I felt like paying attention. After church, we folded clothes and came back to the apartment for lunch. Then Eva and I went grocery shopping, where I got a phone call from my nephew Russ. For his 4th birthday, I sent him a stuffed monkey like the one that he tried to steal from me when I visited. (not that I have a stuffed monkey that I sleep with every night or anything). And of course I talked to his mom (my sister) and she said that she is planning on coming up (from GA) to see my graduation in May. Exciting! Feeling loved and important! After grocery shopping I got some homework done, and luke and I went to the Casbah for dinner. That was an experience...I think generally a good experience. :) After that, luke and I came back to my apartment and watched Desperate Housewives and Brothers and Sisters.

Wow, summing the day up like that really shows me that it WAS wonderful, and that I should be grateful. So, I am.

Valentines

Oh my gosh. So it looks like I survived the big V day. I just got done working 44.25 hours since Friday of last week, and man, I can tell. Today I was supposed to be at head start from 8:15-1:15, but there was a carbon monoxide problem, so they canceled school and I left at 10:30. Then I called Laurie to ask if I should come in. She didn't even let me finish my question before begging me to come over... So today I worked a full day, again. Yesterday was a 10+ hour day. Right now I should be studying for the two exams I have tomorrow, but I thought you people deserved an update.

Overall, Valentine's Day wasn't horrible. I got flowers from Karlie!!! I don't remember ever getting flowers on Valentine's Day in my life, so congrats friend. It's a first. And they are beautiful.

I hope everyone had a good day/week/other meaningful increment of time. Now, on to the books. Let's see how much ass I can kick tomorrow in the Abnormal Psychology field.

The impending week of hell

I am in day two of my 6 day stretch of working Valentine's Day. It is alright, but man, I have other things to do than coax people into buying a more expensive cardboard heart filled with amazing chocolate.

Today, I talked with a really cute checkout guy at Copps. And he started the conversation with me. Enough to brighten up my day, let me tell you.

Tomorrow morning I am eating breakfast with some hoofers. :) I know for sure that Nikita, Patrick and Mike will be there, but really, it doesn't matter if other people show up. We will have a good time at Lazy Jane's. After that I work from 11-4. Not exciting, but it is just Laurie (boss/owner) and Me so I guess it will probably be okay.

This week I have two exams (one that promises to kick my rump if I don't study extensively) and a paper, plus I am working 32 hours this week. I told my boss that I would skip all my classes on Tuesday to work for her. Why? Cause I am sucker and I feel like I am important at work. It's a powerful motivator. (tip for future persuasion in the workforce)

So, with no further ado... I must study.

Again, but with more time.

So. I know what you are thinking. I have started ANOTHER blog. Well, that is true, I have. But I have more time and more of a routine in place so I should be able to make more updates. Also, I have been less down, so reading shouldn't be such a pain either.

I am very busy, it's true, but in an interesting way. I leave home at either 8 or 9am and don't return until about 7:30pm (or on Tuesdays if I go to bood (beverages and food) with hoofers, it might be 10pm). So I am gone a lot, but, I only have three classes and an internship, so it isn't like I am doing a ton of work outside of class. Its just that I am working almost 30 hours a week, doing 10 hours of internship and going to three classes. I am just chronologically challenged. What I have to spend time doing is enjoyable to me at least.

Recently, a friend proposed a trip to NYC during their spring break, and I would love to go with them, but really, I don't think it is a financially responsible idea. That may make me sound like I am 30 with 2 kids, but, it's true nonetheless. Is it rude to counter propose a trip to Chicago? There is already a Hoofer trip going that weekend, and I think that could be just as fun, except for like 1/5th the price. I have never been to Chicago, except to the airport, and I will be the first to acknowledge that the airport does not count. HELLO?! Chicago is a freaking huge city, and it is like 3 hours from here, why have I never been there? I have been half way around the world to see places, but I won't drive a measly 3 hours to experience Chicago? Sounds ridiculous to me too.

I am so excited to keep planning the DGRT (the 'out west' roadtrip I am planning for June). Today during class I made a two week calendar and jotted down when we would be where... cause I am a bad student. :) Anyway, this will be a good place for me to keep the girls updated about that too. Also, while we are away, we could post what adventures we have found along the way (and feel it is safe to tell the world about, ya know).

Anyway, that is enough for now. I don't want to make this into a burnout post.... gotta keep you wanting more. lol. Till then...