Friday, May 30, 2008

Proof of speech

So... you want proof that yours truly went through with the speech? Click Here for all the proof you could need.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Mixed Days

This is my horoscope for today, but it totally should have been yesterdays.

You are capable of nursing an old wound, even if you've done therapy, forgiven everyone involved and allegedly moved on. But just because you can remain attached to your past, it's not necessarily the smartest strategy for happy living. You have an opportunity for change now; yet it might require that you look back one more time. Once you figure out how to forgive yourself for your past mistakes, you will be able to move forward.

Also, props go to friend Trans for listening to me and laughing with me through my crazy, Ijustguzzledadietmtdew, listentomyproblems talk

Fuck you, Mr. King

The Whopper invaded my dream again last night. I don't even like whoppers. Soon, The king and I are gonna haveta throw down in the ally behind the Burger King.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008


I need someone to hug me and tell me that its all going to be alright. Over and over again.

New, excitinger ambitions

Last night, before the weird bacon/burger king dream, I took some time to look up some of the companies that I could possibly teach for next year. Linguarama made me think that I could teach English in Germany or Italy, but after further review, I could teach German in Germany (HA!) or Italian in Italy. So, nevermind. I found another site though, and I guess I may have already filled out the application cause I am in a 'what the hell, why not!' kind of mood. This company is called English First. They keep talking about a CV that I have to upload. I have no idea what that is, but sometimes they pair it with resume. Like, please upload your CV/Resume at your earliest convenience. I guess I will figure it out sometime. And then I read the part that says that after you apply they should contact you within one week for your interview. I am hoping that is one week after I submit a wonderful CV. Certain Velocity. Carnal Venison. What do you think CV could be?


Just woke up from a dream, and if you know my dreams, you know they are NUTS. In this one, my friend who writes a blog about eating healthily wrote a post about how awesome Burger King is, and how we would all be so surprised to see how many great choices they have. Come to find out, she is actually living above a Burger King (in the dream). I visited her there, and as we left to go do something, this woman and her grandma or great aunt or something came up to us and told us about how they stopped at a soup stand and then at some sort of watermelon rolling race. The old lady told the story first and I swear it was in another language, the younger one translated. The second part of my dream revealed my lack of confidence in running. Basically I couldn't run as far as everyone else and I felt defeated. The last thing I remember is eating a really long, perfectly cooked piece of bacon. mmmmmmmm bacon.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Stress on a Chocolate Saleswoman

I am exhausted. Usually I don't believe people when they say that they are worn out from driving, but I think that might be why I am unable to get up from the loveseat, even to make ramen. I drove home on Wednesday of last week, back on Thursday, back home again on Sunday night, back here last night. I am officially going home and coming back again on Thursday for the funeral of my grandpa.

I don't feel all that sad about my grandpa dying. That's what happens to old people - that's what I am telling myself, and he has ALWAYS been old in my lifetime. I am sad for my dad and my aunt and uncles, they knew him when he wasn't old.

The hunger is overpowering the exhaustion now. Ramen, here I come!

Saturday, May 24, 2008

A running saga

Running was my ultimate least favorite thing to do when I was younger. I would have rather lost an arm than run the mile in gym class. That whole day (the 'mile' day) was completely ruined. I ended up with a headache from over-exertion, I was completely sweaty for the rest of the day (hey, nobody showered), but I was overjoyed that, because it was over, it meant one less time that I would ever have to run it again.

Turn the clock ahead 4 years. I became friends with someone I shall name.....Rita. Rita used to run in cross country and track in high school and loved it. The thought of such a thing just made me wince when she would talk about it. When I first started to hang out with her, she was preparing herself for an impending knee surgery (the cause of which was incredibly shocking) but didn't want to quit running for enjoyment. Shudder. A while after the surgery, we started running together, she played the role of invalid, whilst I made a splendid lardass. We started out at running 2 minutes, walking 8 for thirty minutes total. Each week we added a minute to the run for each segment, until we finally ran for a full thirty minutes. Granted, we only did the thirty minute run once. But still. It was like 2.4 miles.

Today I pretend to like running. I believe myself wholeheartedly after I am done running, or while I am telling people how far I ran today. I am not sure if I actually like it while I am doing it though. It's like.... cleaning your really dirty bathroom. Or donating to a charity. You really don't want to do it at the time, but you know it is the 'right' thing to do and you will feel better afterwards. It's pretty much exactly as the saying, 'Like pulling teeth'.

Hopefully I can change this sentiment. Motivation for post-running euphoria doesn't last too much while actually running.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Much better than 'Hello'

"It's a great thing to wake up and see a face as pretty as yours." Thats the first thing my grandpa said to me this afternoon. He can't hardly speak, but when he does request things or reply to questions, it always includes a please, thank you, ma'am or sir. God, I hope I can be polite and passing out compliments on my death bed.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Home again

Looks like I am going home tomorrow, but not under good circumstances. My grandpa has been moved to hospice care, and I guess that means that he will have less than a week to live. From the urgency in my mom's voice, they don't really think he will live through tomorrow. This is very sad.

My grandpa is a great man. Ever since I was little, he treated me like a princess. Every time I saw him he gave me a couple dollars for 'ice cream' until I was older, then it was more like 5 or 10 for gas. He called me Charlie and loved to talk about sports or politics - basically anything. He used to do this thing where he clapped his hands together and then rubbed them together really fast - it sounded like sand paper - at the end he would smack his lips together and say 'ah!' and laugh. I only have good memories about my grandpa. These next couple days are going to be hard for me - to see him dying and the rest of my family in sadness.

About a week ago, my dad visited him in the hospital before he came down to see me and again my grandpa gave him a Five to give to me, apparently for ice cream. I am not sure I will ever spend that bill.


All I keep telling myself is, 'you've just gotta make it through this week'. For waiting at the end of this week is something so glorious and so wonderful it makes my mouth water like a steaming pile of perfectly prepared crab rangoon. oh yum. You see, I have two full days off at the end of this week. In a row, no less. Yours Truly is going to sleep in at least once in the next week, something that hasn't happened for at least a month now. The thought of it is so exciting, I am afraid I won't be able to sleep long enough to be considered 'late'. How counter productive.

There are many more goals to consider at the present. Break out the bullets!
  • I will not eat lunch until noon.
  • I will not eat a chocolate during work today.
  • Will use the word 'whirlwind' at least twice in the next 24 hours. I love that word.
  • I will refrain from losing my mind at either job today.
  • Get a little, but probably a lot drunk this weekend with Luke.
  • Running 5k without stopping, preferably in 30 minutes or less.
  • Fitting into a $200 bridesmaids dress at the end of June.
That's the short list, those that are at the forefront of my mind. Anyone else with goals?

Monday, May 19, 2008

Attempt Zwei

I've decided that this weekend contained too much to write about all in one post. It could be done, but do you really want to spend the next 20 minutes reading about how busy my weekend was? No? I was really hoping you would say yes. But alas, I will only regale you with my Sunday.

Saturday night was Luke's 21st birthday party (among other things, but, you wanted to stick to Sunday, didn't you?) So I didn't get to bed quite as early as I had hoped, but it was still decent. Sunday morning went as usual, choir rehearsal and everything was normal. Except that I was more nervous than I have been since high school, probably. I hide my nervousness as well as an elephant hides his trunk, so I got a lot of, 'you'll be fine's and 'its going to be great's and hugs and sympathetic looks all morning. The telling of the story was... really I don't know. Everyone said I did a great job, but all I remember is shaking, talking and not being able to think straight. I remember only looking at two people the whole time, my dad and Amanda. I didn't stare at them so I guess I blocked most of that part of the morning out. After I finish and was walking down the couple steps between the chancel and the floor, I slipped. I didn't fall, just kind of slid down the stair and threw my arms up to catch myself. Embarrassing, none the less. I don't think anyone laughed though...What happened next was the greatest thing.

Before I go on to tell about the rest of the service, let me tell you this. I know fairly well that I am incapable of expressing how I really felt or all that went on. Read this and imagine more happiness, gratitude, chaos, and confusion than is explicitly conveyed below.

Amanda called the three other new members up to the front and read us questions that we were to answer "I will" to. And we did, of course. After that, we read something out of the bulletin together - she shared with me and Greg (the guy to my right). Then there was the laying on of hands with a prayer by Amanda. She talked about how grateful she was to have us there and how wonderful we were, etc. And she started crying. Big, important point. Crying...really? Over me (and some other people...but me)? We all got hugs then, from the whole congregation, tons and tons of hugs. I could see how this could seem creepy, really I do. But I already had met about half of these people, and all of them were lovely and kind. I felt so special and loved and welcomed, it was a great experience, besides being confused about what I should be doing, and worried that I was doing something wrong (but when is that ever not clouding my thoughts?) I must have been high after that. I kept trying to skip around in heels (note: this is difficult) I walked my dad through the receiving line and he started crying when he talked to Amanda too. I couldn't get enough hugs. I swear I hugged over 50 people yesterday, and it was great. Some people are huggers, and I am one of them, but I'm always lacking that physical contact.

Sunday morning was a crazy confused mix of emotions...Fear and nervousness turning to joy and excitement.

If I haven't conveyed how nervous I was throughout that speech/story thing, maybe this will help: I had to stop in the middle of this post because my stomach hurt so much from the nerves that it caused just thinking about it.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Maybe tomorrow

Being busy with almost too many activities has it's advantages. You get to meet lots of people, learn new things, and stave off boredom. Apparently it's great for distracting yourself from underlying problems. As soon as I got a couple hours to myself, I immediately felt like I was a giant loser with no friends and no life. Sigh. Of course this is false, kind of.

Ok, I thought I could write about this now, but I am just too exhausted. maybe tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Bubbles: The great equalizer

Can you imagine being paid $8.40 an hour to play with bubbles? In sunshiny, 70 degree weather with elementary school kids? That's what I got to do today. Bubbles are great. I had forgotten that truth until today. They are iridescent, clear, flying orbs that tingle on your face when you pop them with your nose. ahhh. They also taste like poo. horrible. Anyway, for the hour or so I was outside, everyone and their grandma spent time remarking about the bubbles, or running around popping them, or crying cause I wouldn't let them play with them. (HEY! It's not my rule. If they got hurt....somehow.... blowing bubbles....yeah. Well, we could be sued if the impossible happened)

I ran tonight as well. It felt very very good today. And! I beat my last recorded mile and half time by a minute and thirty seconds! Ok, so I just looked it up and it was only a mile and a third. BUT, I still beat my best by that much, cause it was the same route I was one before. Woo.

I think I am going to cave and make the 'speech' on Sunday. After thinking about it for 24 hours, I think I could handle it. Sigh. Why can't i just wait to make big deals out of things? Guess I just need a day to think things through.

Obsession. Eau de Problem

I might be getting an inkling on what an addiction feels like. Apparently, my inbox needs checking every 30 minutes or so, or I start twitching. Why won't the latest Match guy email me back about our date tomorrow? Will I have to stand up in front of nearly 100 people on Sunday and say things that will surely embarrass me? Why won't you people answer me already!?!?! Ahhhhhhhh!

My boss called about 10 minutes ago to vent. About nothing that I could change or make her feel better about. Not even just work related things. Her husband, her kids, the insurance guy. At least it made her feel better. It's hard to be the only one to vent to. I have all of you guys, on the other hand. Fake blogging life is great.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Anxietied and Frustrated

So, since I wrote last, I was invited by my pastor to join a Ultimate Frisbee team, got all excited about it, asked everyone if I should do it, said I would (and told everyone my decision) and then the invitation was withdrawn, due to other players asking their friends and them signing up first. Don't get your hopes up. I need to remember that.

Also, I become a member of the church by my house this Sunday. The pastor wants all of the new members to give a little talk about how they came to the church and what it means to them, DURING THE SERVICE. Um. No, I don't want to. I mean, I guess I could, but I am so so so uncomfortable talking about religion with almost everyone, even one on one. I have conditioned myself to believe that anything I say will make me sound stupid, because I know next to nothing about religion! Also, I have a feeling that being religious makes you unrefined and hick like and I do not want to be seen that way (cause I am so sophisticated). Of course, I have to consider my audience (thank you, Mrs. Hill) and know that it would be fine, but I told the pastor that I didn't want to do it. We'll see how she takes that.

Now how do you feel about rejecting me from your frisbee team?! Ha HA!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Running blues

I am loving running. Well, maybe not loving loving, but I do like the way that my calves look and feel after just a few weeks! I haven't lost any weight though, which is a bummer. It's probably due to the fact that I eat allthetime, and it is never good for me. Sigh. Hopefully that will change when the CSA starts at the beginning of next month.

I don't know if I trust the coaches in my running program. Who thought up that we should run on Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday? That means that we have Sunday, Monday and Tuesday off in a row (in case you didn't realize those days were 'in a row') then we have to run for the next 3 of 4 days. It's nuts, if you ask me (which you didn't, but you get my answer free of charge).

This week we ran 1.75 miles on Wednesday and I ran the whole time. I ran about a 10:30 mile! That's much faster than my earlier miles (~12:00). It felt pretty good. On Saturday... that was another story. I finally got up to get to the 2 mile group run at 7:30 in Verona. I am so sucky at morning runs. Death was surely upon me at some point on that shady, gravel covered trail. At my low, my hip hurt, my knee hurt, I couldn't breathe and my whole left foot was asleep. I didn't run the whole time, which is embarrassing. All in all, I only walked for probably 2 minutes, but still. How am I ever going to run 5k (about 3 miles)?

Thursday, May 8, 2008

unexplained cat invading my blog

Holy Hormones Batman!

5 minutes into 101 Dalmatians, and I am crying like a baby. I need a dog. And possibly a life.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Its May. Thank God

It's Monday and I am happy, calm and rested. What is wrong with this picture? Nothing, I say. This is how it should be, always. My weekend was full of friends, exercise, fresh air and freedom.

The things that I enjoyed most about going to Trempealeau with my friends wasn't the canoeing that we planned. It was the random, spontaneous adventures we had. The weather was summery (cool, but still) so it reminded me of exactly how I used to spend my childhood summers. I was nine again, having a sleep over at a friends house. Something about sundown accentuates this feeling, so on Saturday I was just crazy with happiness. Nikita and I staged a stand off in her front yard while her parents and brother looked on. I climbed a tree (kind of. You know I am too fearful to go too high) and played with dogs. We played board games. I got to feed some cows. I even got to go for a 4 wheeler ride.

While we canoed on Saturday morning, I talked with Nikita's cousin. She taught English in Japan and Poland, so you can imagine that I was excited to talk to her about it. She reassured me just by talking about it that I will love it. She said that once I have my TESL (teaching english as a second language certification) that I can go ANYWHERE with it. She gave me advice about my resume and tips to get me placed in Europe. I feel so much better about it and it seems more like it will really happen now. I have renewed excitement.

Of course, we also ate and ate and ate. We stayed with parents, and you know how parents can be. I also ran and hiked up a bluff and went for walks and canoed, so hopefully it balanced out somehow. My pictures from this weekend are on my picasa photo albums.

All in all, it was a GREAT weekend and a much needed break from the hustle of my everyday life. I hope everyone can have a weekend like this every once in a while.

Thursday, May 1, 2008