Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Time may change meeee......

I have been doing a lot of knitting lately, mostly for my sister - I am making a baby blanket to take down with me when I visit her family in August. Four consecutive hours of knitting means only one thing, I had four consecutive hours to think and think and think yesterday. I can't do much else while I knit, it takes a lot of skill to be able to look up from your work and concentrate on something like the TV. If you know me well, you may know that giving me that much time to think can be either a really good thing - a time for me to really work the kinks out of my logic, pep myself up from something that has been bothering me, or find a solution to a problem in my life - or a really bad thing - I have a tendency sometimes to let my mind wander cyclically into more and more depressing thoughts. I can take 'what if' thought experiments to a whole new level of anxiety inducing sickness when given such an abundance of time.

This session was more positive than negative, probably. I am working through why I am so anxious about the impending months and some answers have bubbled to the surface.

Change is scary when its not completely thought out, planned incessantly and run by every friend, coworker and random passerby on the street. If it can be controlled, I am ok. The more I know about what the change will bring, the better. Does this make me a control freak? It's certainly a possibility. I like to control the major aspects of my life, thank you. Where we go to lunch, which movie we watch, even which side of the bed I sleep on - I don't care, make a choice. Where I live, what I do, what on Earth my life will even remotely resemble? Give me a calendar, the internet, a credit card, and a phone, please. I will make it happen the way I want.

This, of course, is not how my immediate future is playing out. I am moving (where? Somewhere on planet Earth, that narrows it down) and teaching (I don't know how to teach!) and leaving every living sole I know. Maybe its a good thing I am freaking out. Self preservation, you know. I am ready for my class to start so that I can be involved in planning my eventual successes or failures. Six days, my friends.

6 comments:

hautepocket said...

Well, at least you know that this class should better prepare you to teach. And once that happens...you'll be assigned a locale. And once you have a location you can put that credit card, calendar, phone and Internet to good use. :) Hang in there friend, it will come!

And p.s. When did you stop caring what side of the bed you sleep on?

Jen said...

Assigned? I wish. I have to apply to jobs and be HIRED. That puts the (foreign)MAN in charge.

And I haven't ever really cared which side of the bed I am on. Only in the last 3 years have I had a bed with enough room to choose a side, anyway.

Ginger said...

I really think that you'll do great. I know that complete uncontrolled change is one scary bitch (trust me, I'm exactly the same way) In fact, most people are terribly afraid of change, but that don't have the balls to actually talk about it, let alone go through with it. You're really a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. So hang in there, I have a feeling that this will lead to so many opportunities that will create an amazing life for you.

hautepocket said...

Aww, well said Lia. You've got this Jen. Remember: "You have the POWER." :)

staticmonkey said...

what else is there to say? you'll do great! and we're here for you.

mike vidal said...

Try doing this while you knit.

* bring your attention to your breathing
* notice everything about your breathing:
o the inhale
o the exhale
o the tiny pause between them
* breathe naturally, just be aware of your breath

This is your only task in meditation -- be aware of your breath. If your thoughts wander, just come back to breathing.