Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The ebbing! The flowing!

Yeah, I thought the title could use some excitement, like random exclamation points.

A couple of times this week, I felt like I wasn't sad or homesick but I could read the signs detailing how to get there. I toed the edge, deciding whether or not I should let myself tumble over into 'that feeling'. There's really no point in going there, that wilderness outpost known as 'homesick', but it almost feels like a lie that I am not sad. When I want to, I can really put my denial blinders on and plow through, but it's just starting to seem wrong. I have met some amazing people here, people I hope to become friends with (but I am being a complete weirdo, I fear), but why should I be happy when everything that really know and love is further away in space and time than I can even imagine?

I am the furthest I have EVER been away from home, for the longest stretch of time BY FAR. The longest I had been away from home before this was when I lived with my sister for a summer. 3 months was a long time, but it seems much different than 9 months. And let me tell you something that I am 100% sure of - and there aren't many things that I am THAT sure of. Macon, Georgia is NOT St.Petersburg, Russia. The good news is that people don't fight every night and I don't share a tiny room with a 2 year old and a 12 year old. Unfortunately I am positive that I can't drive home from here in 15 hours, or at all, even if I had a car, which I don't.

Good news - I haven't had a panic attack here at all (knock knock knock on wood!), and I am not a complete fuck up at teaching so far either. I think I have been trying hard. I actually WANT them to learn and I want to learn, so at least we are on the same path.

Basically the title is about the fact that since the beginning of last weekend, I have been really happy, and pretty frustrated, irritable, and content. Normal daily mood swings, but slightly intensified with less of an outlet for them.

Not exciting, but neither am I lately. Sorry.

1 comment:

Luke said...

Jen- this is interesting, your journey means a lot to us. And as far as wanting to be someone's friend-- that does not make you a weirdo, it makes you as human as everyone else.

Much love,
Luke