Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Time delay

An excerpt from an email I sent yesterday during the 'no posting zone' time period.

Why on earth am I here? It isn't like this was a DREAM of mine. I made the decision to do this before I even started coming to Trinity, when my life seemed completely stalled and depressing and I was BORED. I just needed some excitement and something to work towards. I really tried to give myself a reason to be here - like, It's good for me to see how the other side of the world lives! or I'll find out so much about myself! Maybe other people told me those things to work towards. But right now I am learning about myself, and I don't like what I am seeing. I am a huge wuss. I really hate looking stupid and it happens every single day here. And the people think I am stupid too, or they are just mean and rude, one or the other. Also, I won't go anywhere alone if it's the first time I've been there. Like - the post office. Apparently there's one across the street from my school, but I haven't ever seen it and I am not one to walk into random buildings. This brings me to the second thing I have learned. I must be so dumb. Really. Things should be getting easier for me, but it doesn't feel like they are. I hate how much I have to use other people to do anything - I feel completely helpless and hopeless. Now I am stressed out because of my financial situation (I haven't made enough $ to send home, and those student loans keep automatically withdrawing - I am really in the hole with the bank now... ). That seems so superficial, to be worried about money while I am here, but...It seems like a big deal, especially when the only way I can figure to get money home involves venturing into a bank with Western Union... BY MYSELF.

Sigh. I am not one to give up on things, but is this all worthless? Are there things that haven't happened that I should stick around for?

Thanks for that. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. And, Thanksgiving was good. We had a good crowd of about 7 people, a turkey, stuffing, gravy, potatoes, carrots, bread, champagne. Told stories and jokes. Tell me, why, then, do I feel so crappy the next day?

Somehow I don't feel that bad today. Maybe tomorrow will be even better. (I just got back from the post office with Denise. Things have been mailed, but not to any of you. Sorry, had to prioritize - the rents and the church are the only people getting things.)


staticmonkey said...

You've only been there for a few weeks. Give it time. You'll feel better about the whole thing, and don't feel weak because you need to ask for help. Maybe you're setting an example for someone who is too afraid to ask.

hautepocket said...

You're breaking your own 'no posting zone' rules! Tsk Tsk.

Christin's right. We all think you're doing an incredible job. Congrats on the Thanksgiving success. Miss you.