Sunday, February 17, 2008

Repeat

Ugh. In a funk, again. That's putting it lightly. It kind of hit me, out of the blue, about 15 minutes ago. But, it's a hard hitter, that funk. I would normally categorize today as being a good day, productive, yet calm. Not now though. Right now I am missing my friends and family across the country and feeling very alone.

At my denominations class last week we were given a chart that was basically squares within squares, showing the different levels of intimacy and relationships. The smallest, center square was yourself, the next was your intimates, next was friends, next people you knew, etc. We were told to write in some names starting from the center. Apparently, almost no one can have more than 5 intimates because of the emotional and time commitment. We started talking about physical distance between us and our intimates, and I realized that almost all of mine were 2,000 miles away from me. This, of course, is not great for your psychological or emotional health. Don't get me wrong, I have a number of great friends here (those on the next level out). Also, I believe that I don't hold much back from my 'friends' that I would tell my 'intimates'. I am a sharer. I share, it's what I do. But there is something about knowing that you can tell someone anything with absolute certainty that they will understand. I know, I know, I can call, email, chat with or whatever with these people. It's not the same as sitting across the room from them, or on the other end of a bed or riding in a car next to them. It isn't the same.

Basically I am upset, once again, because I am alone, in my bed, wishing I could have someone here who I can talk with, trust, have fun with (thats as graphic as it gets, sorry!). I want someone to care about me. Now there's a selfish statement. It's hard for me to let myself think that I am worthy or deserve all those things, but I believe that everyone deserves it. So, I guess I deserve it too.

2 comments:

Luke said...

I love you, Jen.

Karlie said...

I love you, too, friend.