Friday, October 24, 2008

From the 'Dead Zone'

That's what I am calling my mom's house, since it doesn't have internet. I wrote this last night:

Blog for 10/23/08

What I should be doing right now: packing.

What I’ve spent the last 2 hours doing: editing photos.

A lot less productive, but so much more fun. It’s a great task to focus on… let me make things look better, without changing the reality right in front of me.

Everyone everyone is sick. My mom has a fever and is ‘physically ill’, as was my dad today, and my aunt, who lives next door, was sick yesterday and the day before. So – I made my mom chicken soup. J Aunt Dede helped (and by helped, I mean she did probably 70% of the work, especially the gross stuff, like cutting apart the chicken).

I am TERRIFIED of getting sick right now, so I am holed up in my room in the basement, far away from my ailing mother. That sounds mean, doesn’t it? Quarantining myself, when I could be keeping my mom company. It would be just awful if I got that sick tomorrow, or Saturday or, gasp! Sunday. I need the goodbye hugs on Sunday – if I were too sick to be around people, I might just….die.

Truthfully, I am dreading Sunday. It’s harder to say goodbye over and over. Right now it feels like I have already left, that I have already said goodbye, but I haven’t. I have to face everyone again, be strong and say goodbye for real… Which, I actually DO want to do, I HAVE to do it. I just know it’s going to be the hardest part. For my own sake, I better face up to the reality that I am leaving, and this will be the last I see of these people that I care so deeply about. I want to feel the emotion that goes with that and let them know how much they mean to me. This is why I purposely didn’t invite my parents to church on Sunday. I almost can’t physically cry in front of my parents. I am not sure exactly why – maybe I am too committed to convincing them that I am not their little baby, that I am a strong, independent woman. What a show.

I love my new toy – the Nikon D80. I’ve gotten to play with it a little bit at church and today making soup. He (the camera) will probably be my bestest friend in Russia. We’ll go everywhere together. Maybe you will get to see what we do together; hopefully it will be a beautiful relationship.

Ok, back to reality. Packing seems incredibly daunting right now. I just need a non sick person to come downstairs and hug me and tell me that I can do it. Not because I think I can’t-I am an amazing packer- just because it would be helpful, emotionally. Plus, I know those hugs are numbered.


hautepocket said...

What have you named the camera?

staticmonkey said...

hugs aren't numbered! i'm sure you can fine a nice Russian girl to hug you!