Last night was pretty weird. In my old apartment, with my old roommates, in a totally different place in my life. Half freaking out, half bored out of my mind, tired, but can't sleep.
I got about an hour of sleep last night, and during that short nap, I dreamt that I overslept until 2:30 this afternoon. THAT was not a good feeling.
Church this morning was good, and sad. I've gotten everything I could need or everything that I could be given to make it easier. I just need to GO now. During the 'joys and concerns' time, I was called up to the front of the sanctuary and Amanda gave me a gift that was perfect. A little black rock, symbolizing... things. She was crying and I was trying not to cry and so I couldn't really listen too well. Something about getting food and water from hitting a rock with a staff? And about Paul being the rock and how I am strong like a rock. Basically it's a worry stone from Amanda's office - that explanation would have been enough for me, probably. Something like this rock is exactly what I wanted. Something to keep with me, something physically FROM the church, the added symbolism was just icing. (HEY-A, if you read this, ya wanna send me via email the meaning behind the rock? I would appreciate it.)
After the service I got to say goodbye for real. I have my card... probably should have waited till I left to let her open it, but I am so easily coerced... (where's the 'like a rock' symbolism now?!)
Really, being away from such a supportive and fun environment is going to be a challenge in itself. In the spring, when I was going to Trinity, but I wasn't really involved as heavily as I am now...er...was in the last month or so, I would go to church on Sunday, and by Wednesday I would start counting down to Sunday, whenI would get to go back. It was hard to go a week away, before I even knew many people. I am going to be away about the same amount of time that I have been going to Trinity.
WELL, it's going to be a long week till next 'Sunday'...
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Home again
Looks like I am going home tomorrow, but not under good circumstances. My grandpa has been moved to hospice care, and I guess that means that he will have less than a week to live. From the urgency in my mom's voice, they don't really think he will live through tomorrow. This is very sad.
My grandpa is a great man. Ever since I was little, he treated me like a princess. Every time I saw him he gave me a couple dollars for 'ice cream' until I was older, then it was more like 5 or 10 for gas. He called me Charlie and loved to talk about sports or politics - basically anything. He used to do this thing where he clapped his hands together and then rubbed them together really fast - it sounded like sand paper - at the end he would smack his lips together and say 'ah!' and laugh. I only have good memories about my grandpa. These next couple days are going to be hard for me - to see him dying and the rest of my family in sadness.
About a week ago, my dad visited him in the hospital before he came down to see me and again my grandpa gave him a Five to give to me, apparently for ice cream. I am not sure I will ever spend that bill.
My grandpa is a great man. Ever since I was little, he treated me like a princess. Every time I saw him he gave me a couple dollars for 'ice cream' until I was older, then it was more like 5 or 10 for gas. He called me Charlie and loved to talk about sports or politics - basically anything. He used to do this thing where he clapped his hands together and then rubbed them together really fast - it sounded like sand paper - at the end he would smack his lips together and say 'ah!' and laugh. I only have good memories about my grandpa. These next couple days are going to be hard for me - to see him dying and the rest of my family in sadness.
About a week ago, my dad visited him in the hospital before he came down to see me and again my grandpa gave him a Five to give to me, apparently for ice cream. I am not sure I will ever spend that bill.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Repeat
Ugh. In a funk, again. That's putting it lightly. It kind of hit me, out of the blue, about 15 minutes ago. But, it's a hard hitter, that funk. I would normally categorize today as being a good day, productive, yet calm. Not now though. Right now I am missing my friends and family across the country and feeling very alone.
At my denominations class last week we were given a chart that was basically squares within squares, showing the different levels of intimacy and relationships. The smallest, center square was yourself, the next was your intimates, next was friends, next people you knew, etc. We were told to write in some names starting from the center. Apparently, almost no one can have more than 5 intimates because of the emotional and time commitment. We started talking about physical distance between us and our intimates, and I realized that almost all of mine were 2,000 miles away from me. This, of course, is not great for your psychological or emotional health. Don't get me wrong, I have a number of great friends here (those on the next level out). Also, I believe that I don't hold much back from my 'friends' that I would tell my 'intimates'. I am a sharer. I share, it's what I do. But there is something about knowing that you can tell someone anything with absolute certainty that they will understand. I know, I know, I can call, email, chat with or whatever with these people. It's not the same as sitting across the room from them, or on the other end of a bed or riding in a car next to them. It isn't the same.
Basically I am upset, once again, because I am alone, in my bed, wishing I could have someone here who I can talk with, trust, have fun with (thats as graphic as it gets, sorry!). I want someone to care about me. Now there's a selfish statement. It's hard for me to let myself think that I am worthy or deserve all those things, but I believe that everyone deserves it. So, I guess I deserve it too.
At my denominations class last week we were given a chart that was basically squares within squares, showing the different levels of intimacy and relationships. The smallest, center square was yourself, the next was your intimates, next was friends, next people you knew, etc. We were told to write in some names starting from the center. Apparently, almost no one can have more than 5 intimates because of the emotional and time commitment. We started talking about physical distance between us and our intimates, and I realized that almost all of mine were 2,000 miles away from me. This, of course, is not great for your psychological or emotional health. Don't get me wrong, I have a number of great friends here (those on the next level out). Also, I believe that I don't hold much back from my 'friends' that I would tell my 'intimates'. I am a sharer. I share, it's what I do. But there is something about knowing that you can tell someone anything with absolute certainty that they will understand. I know, I know, I can call, email, chat with or whatever with these people. It's not the same as sitting across the room from them, or on the other end of a bed or riding in a car next to them. It isn't the same.
Basically I am upset, once again, because I am alone, in my bed, wishing I could have someone here who I can talk with, trust, have fun with (thats as graphic as it gets, sorry!). I want someone to care about me. Now there's a selfish statement. It's hard for me to let myself think that I am worthy or deserve all those things, but I believe that everyone deserves it. So, I guess I deserve it too.
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