Worth

I am at Panera Bread right now. Just finished stuffing my face after a hard day of work and little food; a recipe for disaster.

As you may have noticed from my last post, this weekend was exhausting and emotionally draining. In addition, my general emotional well being has begun to slip. I am second guessing myself more, I feel much more inhibited, anxiety stricken and self conscience. One example to illustrate my point: As you may recall, I went out with Amanda et al last Tuesday and didn't have my wallet with me to pay for my portion of the bill (which I was totally upfront about before we even left). So I owed Amanda $15, no problem. I tried to give her the money yesterday, and she wouldn't let me. Just thinking about that exchange makes me cringe. I. do. not. like. owing. money. To anyone. Especially people who are exponentially 'better' than me, people who have no real reason to want me around and to whom I feel a need to provide a reason to like me (this would be contrasted with normal situations where people will like you until you give them a reason NOT to). Don't get me wrong, Amanda has given me no reason to think that she is seeing me this way, this is my own issue to get around. Regardless, I now owe her money, and it makes me feel bad. I always worry in these situations that the 'giver' will think I forgot my money maliciously, which makes me look like I think I am 'worth' someone spending money on me (especially people higher than me on the social scale) or that I am 'owed' it somehow. Blech on that.

Anyway, I am feeling pretty worthless for this and other reasons. There has been a very unproductive round of emails between me and a potential date that has contributed to my feelings. Beyond this is the fear that has been creeping in about death and the fact that everyone I know dying. Sometimes I take a disastrous mental turn, experimenting how I would react if something horrible or wonderful happened. During a recent funeral, I decided to see how I would feel if my best friend in the whole world died. This was NOT a fun mental game. It left me with residual feelings of fear and loneliness. A recipe for happiness if I ever heard one.