Scorpio's Horoscope today:
"Before things settle down into a more regular pattern, you may find yourself getting exhausted trying to keep up with everything. Although you are able to do what's expected, your life could feel overly complicated now. Instead of attempting to push back toward the basics, resign yourself to staying in touch with your complex life until it starts to reintegrate and simplify."
Friday, October 17, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Blessed
If there was another word that didn't specifically denote God or religion I would use it. Maybe 'lucky'? The amount of love and support that has been showered on me lately is amazing. Last night I got all that I could ask for from someone who, whether they know it or not, holds the most influential position in my life right now. Absolutely invaluable travel advice, encouragement, laughter and a little bit of alcohol was exchanged.
I couldn't have imagined a more perfect way to relieve some of my fear, guilt and anxiety about this trip.
I couldn't have imagined a more perfect way to relieve some of my fear, guilt and anxiety about this trip.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Replacement
Today, I met the person who seems as though she will take my place at church. Today was her first day at Trinity. She lives a couple of blocks away and walks. She's a senior @ UW, majoring in Elementary Ed. Baptized Methodist, parents divorced, generally the same history as me.
She is coming, I am going. :( She better be nice, cause I'll be back (Hi Arnold!)
She is coming, I am going. :( She better be nice, cause I'll be back (Hi Arnold!)
Friday, October 10, 2008
Ten Ten Eight
If you were to go back and look over my past posts (who would?), you would notice that roughly 75% of them center on how boring my job is or how much I hate it. Sad, but true. That's what this post was going to be about too, because that aspect of my life hasn't changed.
Something new was added to the mix this morning. Conservative talk radio. Let's just say that boxing up milk chocolate peanut clusters is a lot more interesting with high blood pressure and adrenaline. Basically, I was tortured for a couple of hours, but I have come out a stronger woman.
During the torture, I replayed some of my favorite moments from the meeting last night... Actually made me smile and make other faces to myself - I swear if someone saw me they would have been able to tell exactly what was going on in my mind. I was having a conversation in my head, and, as crazy as that sounds, it was probably even crazier in real life. After the imaginary, mind conversation to block out the raving lunatics on the radio, I started to realize that I am EXCITED for the big move! Not scared, not dreading, not ohmygodiamgoingtodie. I am excited! This, my friends (hi McCain!), is a good thing (hi Martha!).
Have you heard? I am moving to Russia. RUSSIA. Can you think of a better time for me to splurge on a winter coat? Ok, besides Antarctica. Didn't think so. So, at the North Face store, I tried on some coats, and fell in love with one. THEN I found it on REI.com - I am a member, gimme the dividend! THEN I saw that REI.com was having a fall sale - 20% off any regular priced item! 20% doesn't sound like much. Until...until the item you want to purchase is $300. Then, $60 is a lot. Ok, enough chit chat about how much it was. I know you can't wait to see it.
So, I will admit, it isn't that much to look at. But it is WARM! And it looks better on a body than laying down like this one. AND... the fake fur comes off the hood, which is good because I don't know how I feel about it. Tell me how YOU feel about it.
Something new was added to the mix this morning. Conservative talk radio. Let's just say that boxing up milk chocolate peanut clusters is a lot more interesting with high blood pressure and adrenaline. Basically, I was tortured for a couple of hours, but I have come out a stronger woman.
During the torture, I replayed some of my favorite moments from the meeting last night... Actually made me smile and make other faces to myself - I swear if someone saw me they would have been able to tell exactly what was going on in my mind. I was having a conversation in my head, and, as crazy as that sounds, it was probably even crazier in real life. After the imaginary, mind conversation to block out the raving lunatics on the radio, I started to realize that I am EXCITED for the big move! Not scared, not dreading, not ohmygodiamgoingtodie. I am excited! This, my friends (hi McCain!), is a good thing (hi Martha!).
Have you heard? I am moving to Russia. RUSSIA. Can you think of a better time for me to splurge on a winter coat? Ok, besides Antarctica. Didn't think so. So, at the North Face store, I tried on some coats, and fell in love with one. THEN I found it on REI.com - I am a member, gimme the dividend! THEN I saw that REI.com was having a fall sale - 20% off any regular priced item! 20% doesn't sound like much. Until...until the item you want to purchase is $300. Then, $60 is a lot. Ok, enough chit chat about how much it was. I know you can't wait to see it.
So, I will admit, it isn't that much to look at. But it is WARM! And it looks better on a body than laying down like this one. AND... the fake fur comes off the hood, which is good because I don't know how I feel about it. Tell me how YOU feel about it.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Goats,eggs, boobs, pillows
Last night I had a dream about:
- Visiting a petting zoo where the goats charged and rammed me with their horns.
- My 18yo niece dropped a big carton of eggs, the force of which actually got egg on my shirt.
- Changing in a bathroom with no lock and a random guy catching me topless.
- Feeling lost and scared in a middle eastern-esque styled hair salon.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
I wanna ride, the rollercoster, baby baby...
Yesterday afternoon my mood dropped to epic lows. It wasn't just sadness, no, it was irritability, frustration, pent up anxiety, exhaustion, and a general feeling of being overwhelmed. Maybe it was the 9 hours spent in the tiny backseat of a minivan driving through America's heartland with six people. Maybe it's because I don't have as much control over my life as I once did and I can't imagine AT ALL what my life will look like tomorrow, next week or next month, say nothing about next year. Coming to terms with my decision has been harder than I thought it would be.
When I started MTTP in July, I was more ready to move than I am now. Everyone had moved away. All I did was go to class and come home or go out with MTTP people who I knew from the get go were leaving in a set amount of time, so I didn't get too attached to them. I was running down the road to my future with blinders on, giddy with the possibilities. Since then, I have reconnected with people, become severly attached to those people, places, ideas, events. Besides having a job that I dread going to and not having a guy in my life, I am doing so well. And those two downsides are the standard, the norm, so I try not to tally those in the final score anyway.
This morning was the U2 Eucharist at church. Basically that means that the service was comprised of U2 songs, a sermon and communion. It was very very good. I mean, Trinity isn't the most 'up to speed' church out there (I know that for certian now, after seeing the church in Kansas City), but we try so hard. We had a great band and vocalists and an amazing pastor today. That's what matters. Amanda spoke of when she and her husband lived in Guatamala for a year and how she got sick from the water after a couple months and when she went to the doctor, she found out she was pregnant so she couldn't take any of the medication. She tied this in to the 'one campaign' by showing us the privalige we all have. She knew that because she was a US citizen, she could leave at any time and recieve the best medical care in the world. Because she is who she is, she stuck it out and stayed to finish serving, but returned to the US to have her son, Zane. During the offeratory, Julie (choir director) sang "Yahweh", with Bill (guy who went on the roadtrip this week) accompaning on guitar and back up vocals. I lost it. I just started crying because the song was so pretty and I am generally on the verge of tears everyday now anyway. This marks the VERY first time I cried in church, during a service that wasn't for someone's death. After the service, I got great hugs from people I really love, was encouraged by people's advice and sincere well wishes for my future and I felt goooood about life. I was secure in my decision, confident that I could make it, ready to go.
Right now, I am riding out a trough in mood and confidence again. I swear it comes with the setting of the sun (and lack of communication via internet, phone or in person). Going to bed early might help, but I just distract myself until the wee hours of the morning when I have no choice but to sleep. Otherwise I get myself worked up and I make rash decisions. Those are nothing but trouble.
I have promised myself that I WILL NOT start missing people before I leave. I always do that, and then when I leave I am already over it. But! Then I wasted all that time with the people that I was already mourning, being a dumb ass and not enjoying myself. So now, I am going to put my best denial skills to work, and just plow forward with my horse blinders on. I will save the ugly cry for the strangers sharing my 18 hours of flying. At least I have goals, right?
When I started MTTP in July, I was more ready to move than I am now. Everyone had moved away. All I did was go to class and come home or go out with MTTP people who I knew from the get go were leaving in a set amount of time, so I didn't get too attached to them. I was running down the road to my future with blinders on, giddy with the possibilities. Since then, I have reconnected with people, become severly attached to those people, places, ideas, events. Besides having a job that I dread going to and not having a guy in my life, I am doing so well. And those two downsides are the standard, the norm, so I try not to tally those in the final score anyway.
This morning was the U2 Eucharist at church. Basically that means that the service was comprised of U2 songs, a sermon and communion. It was very very good. I mean, Trinity isn't the most 'up to speed' church out there (I know that for certian now, after seeing the church in Kansas City), but we try so hard. We had a great band and vocalists and an amazing pastor today. That's what matters. Amanda spoke of when she and her husband lived in Guatamala for a year and how she got sick from the water after a couple months and when she went to the doctor, she found out she was pregnant so she couldn't take any of the medication. She tied this in to the 'one campaign' by showing us the privalige we all have. She knew that because she was a US citizen, she could leave at any time and recieve the best medical care in the world. Because she is who she is, she stuck it out and stayed to finish serving, but returned to the US to have her son, Zane. During the offeratory, Julie (choir director) sang "Yahweh", with Bill (guy who went on the roadtrip this week) accompaning on guitar and back up vocals. I lost it. I just started crying because the song was so pretty and I am generally on the verge of tears everyday now anyway. This marks the VERY first time I cried in church, during a service that wasn't for someone's death. After the service, I got great hugs from people I really love, was encouraged by people's advice and sincere well wishes for my future and I felt goooood about life. I was secure in my decision, confident that I could make it, ready to go.
Right now, I am riding out a trough in mood and confidence again. I swear it comes with the setting of the sun (and lack of communication via internet, phone or in person). Going to bed early might help, but I just distract myself until the wee hours of the morning when I have no choice but to sleep. Otherwise I get myself worked up and I make rash decisions. Those are nothing but trouble.
I have promised myself that I WILL NOT start missing people before I leave. I always do that, and then when I leave I am already over it. But! Then I wasted all that time with the people that I was already mourning, being a dumb ass and not enjoying myself. So now, I am going to put my best denial skills to work, and just plow forward with my horse blinders on. I will save the ugly cry for the strangers sharing my 18 hours of flying. At least I have goals, right?
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Kansas City
A few hours ago the small group of TUMC members and staff returned from Kansas City. The leadership institute we attended there was pretty cool. Mostly it was intimidating, scary and made me feel very uneducated in the relevant subjects.
We met at church at 6am (6AM!), and it was dark and cold. 8.5 hours later, we were in KC, touring the largest church I have ever been in. That night I had a panic attack in the sanctuary - it was so large, and they turned the lights almost all the way off, so the room started flipping. Sad.
I think I gathered some relevant information for Trinity and overall I had a good time. Amanda, Bill and Tina are so great... great great people. They are crazy and fun, intelligent and inspiring. Why they want me around.... Now that's the Great Mystery.
We met at church at 6am (6AM!), and it was dark and cold. 8.5 hours later, we were in KC, touring the largest church I have ever been in. That night I had a panic attack in the sanctuary - it was so large, and they turned the lights almost all the way off, so the room started flipping. Sad.
I think I gathered some relevant information for Trinity and overall I had a good time. Amanda, Bill and Tina are so great... great great people. They are crazy and fun, intelligent and inspiring. Why they want me around.... Now that's the Great Mystery.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)