Pathetic.

I don't know what just happened, but it did not put me in a good mood. I guess I thought back on my day off, and then my life and it just started to depress me. I mean, damnit... my life is pathetic. I guess I didn't know what life is supposed to look like, but I just seem very needy and on the verge of breakdown. I can't even think about my love life without tears welling and a panicked knot in my chest. I am just so confused about the whole situation. I mean, I understand i am not the most wonderful person in the world, aestetically or in terms of personality, but I am not the bottom of the barrel (can I say that and not be egotistical?). I am actually very afraid. I don't know what to do, I just don't know! Doesn't anyone have answers? I feel lost and alone right now. Because all this time has passed (my whole life) without anyone caring about me or seeing good things in me, I feel like the scum of the earth. I feel like I don't deserve love. I must not, or something good would have happened at some point.

I feel like there is no way out, no way for this to end. I really, truly, might end up alone. Is there anything scarier than that?

Goodness

I am having an excellent run of life right now! On Thursday, there was a message from Dane County Parent Council saying that they wanted me to come in for an interview and to call them back. So I called them on Friday, and scheduled my interview for today (monday). Then I went away for the weekend. I had a great time with my friends, camping, no less. I was fine and calm and happy and it was good. It was also hot as hell, but we won't dwell on that fact.

My interview went pretty well today, I think. I even told my boss about it, and she took it better than I thought she would. Then she called me back like 10 minutes later to say that she just got a call from DCPC, I guess they were checking my references. Good? Hopefully.

If I got this job, it would mean a $3.60 pay increase, plus full benefits, and 40 hours a week (weekends off!!!). I will keep you 'posted'. he he.

Retail therapy

I spent a large amount of money today!!! But I got some fun stuff. For instance: A tent. The Vector 22 from North Face, for only $259. Ha, only. I also got a Thermarest: for $49, and a stuff sack to put it in for $11. So I spent $335 today, and I liked it.

So I hope I get to go camping this weekend! Sue is going to call if I have to work, but she said she most likely can work for me... totally exciting. I also hope that it is a relaxing, rather than anxiety producing, event. I am going to make my potato salad that I love, and that most other people like too (but patsy won't, not with all that mayo in it). I want to swim and play and relax and have fun, instead of being bored and alone at my stupid job. Only time will tell. :) I am almost tempted to set up my tent in the living room and sleep in it. It might be good practice. Or just a fun time.

Correction.

I just realized that I probably don't seem happy, but I am. Or maybe the feeling is just relaxed. Whatever, I feel good, and those of you reading this are probably to blame. :)

What is summer? -or- Why do I seem so happy?

So, I couldn't decide what to title this post as, so it is what it is.

On my moped ride home tonight from another awesome dinner with friends, I started thinking about how happy I was (even though I was slightly afraid of being mugged because it was 12:30, and besides the fact that I was FREEZING). It's summer, and it's good. It's a huge surprise actually.

Everything's not perfect, of course, but just knowing that I have friends who want to do things with me, and having fun, and laying in the grass, and watching movies...sigh, it's making me happy. I may have lowered my standards (and added an antidepressant), but if it makes me happy, so what, right? Tonight was the third night in a row that I didn't make it home until after 12:30, even with no responsibilities or real excuses for being up that late, I actually was socializing. Big step.

On to the things that mean summer to me:

• Corn on the Cob
• BLTs with fresh ripe tomatoes
• Potato packets
• The smell of sunscreen
• The smell of bug spray
• Fireflies (or lightning bugs, if you will)

I am so excited that I might get to go camping next weekend! This is a miracle, the fact that I am excited. Litterally a month ago, the mention of camping made me instantly anxious. After laying outside in the grass all day, I think I can handle sleeping in a tent. Which I am going to buy, if Sue says she can work for me on Saturday. :) Here's to hoping she will.

15 Blisters

I am exhausted, but I wanted to tell everybody that I had a good time in Vegas. The 15 blisters on the soles of my two feet is proof of my great time. More updates later, must sleep.

One success, one failure, all in one day.

So today went well for the most part. We got up in the hell hole known as Tuba City, AZ and drove to the grand canyon. That was amazing. Just beautiful. And, despite my usual fears, I wasn't too freaked out. That's the success.

We then drove to Flagstaff, where we are staying tonight. I don't know why I decided to change the plan from staying in Williams, and now I am wishing that I wouldn't have. I knew that if we stayed in a big enough town that we would HAVE to go out, because my friends love to go to bars. Frankly, I am just not into that scene, at all. I feel completely insecure and vulnerable in that situation, because I haven't had many good experiences in those settings. So when we went out tonight, I tried to be happy and have fun, but I couldn't do it. First of all, I was DD, so I wasn't drinking, and, as soon as I saw that all the guys were interested in my friends, and only my friends, I just gave up and pouted. Sad, pathetic, yes, I know. Eventually, Christin and I came back to the hotel, Karlie and Lia will take a taxi back, I guess.

I got some amazing pictures today though, so thats a positive thing.

I can't believe that we are going to be spending the next two nights in Vegas, doing exactly what I don't feel comfortable doing. I guess I will figure something out. These next two nights are the last two that Karlie will be spending with us as well, before moving to L.A. Sad again.